moving...

Yes my friends I am once again moving! It is all the fault of my babies. Yes Andy, I let the kitty cuteness blind me! Such is life... Last week I did an overnight for a very sadistic dog. I spent nearly a week with the beast. During this time, dear Tim was to watch my little ones. The problem was he didn't tend to their box quite as he should have. So when I get back it reeks. So I clean things up all hunky dory yay. Next day I find a note from my landlord informing me that things have stunk for the past week. I write him a note back telling him what had happened and that I had taken care of things so life would be back to normal then he writes a note back basically with a too bad they must go. So knowing there was no way I could give up my sweethearts, I started looking for places. Luckily, since I was given a week to find a place for the kitties, I found a place the same day, went to see it and agreed to rent. The down-side to this whole thing is that it is now a whopping 700 a month I must pay instead of 5. Of course it is a master bedroom and they let me have my kitties and its a lot bigger..........but STILL!!!!! Oh well. Life goes on. So by the end of this month I'm going to be in my new place.

On a less important note, I got my eyebrows waxed. Kinda fun actually and it didn't hurt as badly as I thought it would.

I'm going to pack now...

updates on life.

So I realize it has been quite awhile since I posted and updated on my life. I suppose it would be fair to say there have been quite a few things that have changed. I'm sure anyone reading this already knows I'm engaged, so that isn't really new or surprising is it? At the moment I'm snuggled up in my ex-coworker's bed surrounded by three very adorable kitties. I'm kitty watching while she's out of town for like a day and a half. Its been fun and very strange. One kitty known as just plain Q slept on top of me most of the night. I thought Charlotte was kidding about that... I've also learned to make sure Q isn't hiding in the bathroom as I go to use it or else I have the strange experience of her hopping up and sitting on my lap...very strange.
So I guess for starters I should mention I finally have a job. Its been a month and a half maybe? I work at a place called A Cat Clinic. The name pretty much says it all. Its a vet office that only has cats as patients. I've always said I wasn't a cat person, but I'm actually considering getting two kitties from the clinic. Basically their mommy had another cat and it terrorized the brother and sister. She seemed to originally want to give up the evil kitty but our dr said that she would have to put that one down since she couldn't feel good about giving it to another family. So instead she gave up the brother and sister the girl of which was apparently her "baby." This story resonated with me a bit since I tend to feel the unwanted member of the family...gee I wonder why... And the two cats are really so sweet and loving. They seem to like me too. The rub their cheeks all over my face which is a new experience for me, but I know its how they show they're comfortable with me...and marking me for theirs. I'm having to ask my landlord about them, which terrifies me. I barely had the nerve to ask him for my hamster ages ago. (Q is now standing with her face in mine on my chest.) I'm not afraid of my landlord, I'm just afraid he'll say no. I have it all worked out though. I would cover the floor with those plastic chair mats so that his floor wouldn't get wrecked. I'd have air freshener and such so the room wouldn't get stinky. And most of the furniture is mine in there and I'd pay some extra each month toward a pet deposit if he wanted me to! The jist of this is that I REALLY want these kitties. I want to take them in and make them happy and safe. Either way I hate where I work. Everything would be fine except for the office manager and her evil minion the head technician. They're petty mean-spirited and I just don't like them! They also don't like me. I remind them of charlotte who is my new friend. She's totally awesome! But they made life miserable and so she quit two weeks ago which made work infinitely more sad. She's working for a company that house sits watches animals walks doggies and the like which is what I'm going to be doing soon if I have my way. This brings me to my other bit of news. I have a car!!! Well actually tim and I have a car. The car is in his name but I'm mostly financing. He has better credit so it works. Its a little kia spectra, silver which isn't as cool of a colour as I would like, buts its a good car. Now how will I make use of this car you ask?? By getting my license of course! I'm going on the 13th to take my test. I feel pretty good about it I must say. I can parallel park in under a minute. 47 seconds to be exact. I'm rather excited. Charlottes going to be taking me in my car. Oh and no I haven't named the car. I simply call it my baby. As soon as I get my license, I can leave my job and go walk doggies!!! It apparently pays better and the hours are quite flexible and the best part? No uniform!! I can wear whatever I want!!! I'm quite excited. Charlotte goes barefoot! The two of us have decided that we must be twins, which makes triplets since that's how Boo Boo is. Of course Boo Boo will always be my sister, but its nice to feel like I have two best friends...one that's even what's that? Oh yeah! Close by to me!!! Gee there's a thunk! I miss Boo Boo a lot still though... I think Charlotte would like her. I've asked them both to be my maids of honour. I think it would be fitting.

At any rate, that's about all there is going on in my life now...oh yeah I like to watch kitty surgery. Surprised everyone? And I can eat my lunch after watching :-) tally ho my friends!

My Down's Syndrome Paper

Ok Justin, you asked for it, so here you go. And anyone else that cares to read...go for it

Would a world without children with Down’s syndrome be a good thing? Many would think a world where no one suffered from this would be a wonderful thing since there would be fewer people in the world suffering from a disorder. There are, however, many parents that think this would be a disaster. (Harmon 6) Whether from a cure or from abortions, many parents of children with Down’s syndrome shrink from this thought. (Harmon 6) To them, this would be a terrible thing for their children. How could this be? Many feel that this would lead to a world of intolerance towards the children that have Down’s syndrome. (Harmon 7) Others fear the lack of funding for programs aimed at helping these individuals survive through life. (Harmon 10) There is also a fear that by allowing women under thirty-five to be given the option of testing for Down’s syndrome, many of these women, who otherwise would have had the children, will get abortions. For many years, only women who were thirty-five and over were given the option for testing, since that is when the risk of having a child with Down’s Syndrome spikes drastically. (Wiki 12) However, since women who are younger have children at a faster rate, eighty percent of babies born with Down’s syndrome are born to mothers who are under thirty-five. (Wiki 12)

If scientists could somehow find a way to prevent Down’s syndrome from ever occurring, most people would celebrate the finding. It seems that some parents with children who have the extra twenty-first chromosome that causes Down’s syndrome will not be one of the joyous ones. They fear many unseen repercussions of the disappearance of Down’s syndrome. One parent, George F. Will, calls testing for Down’s syndrome, a “search and destroy mission” designed to eliminate all children being born with the disorder. (Harmon 25) Unlike what Mr. Will seems to think, many prospective parents do not have the resources or stamina they feel necessary to care for these children. (Harmon 13) If the world were perfect, every prospective parent of these children would be able to undertake the task of raising these special souls. The world, however, is not perfect. In my life, I met one such mother. She had two older children with mental problems, a crumbling marriage and a job that, at the time, she thought was keeping them from poverty. She became pregnant and instead of getting the all’s-clear sign from the amniocentesis, she found out that the daughter she was carrying had Down’s syndrome. Even though it tore her up inside, she knew she would not be able to take care of this child properly. She had an abortion.

This scenario is not unique. Does this seem to be the result of a “search and destroy mission,” the desire to eradicate all such people from the face of the earth? (Harmon 25) I think not. Every soul that is brought into this world is precious and children with Down’s syndrome are even more special, and the parents who raise these children deserve praise, but this does not mean the other side of the situation should be ignored. So many women do not have the resources or the situation to be able to care for these children; they may also believe that it is unfair to bring such children into this world. These women should not have the right to end their pregnancy denied to them.

Many parents of children with Down’s Syndrome oppose the testing of women under thirty-five.(Harmon 7) Testing these women would, of course, lower the chances that they would have the child. The current rate of abortions with Down’s syndrome babies is at ninety percent. (Harmon 4) These parents do not want these women to abort their pregnancy, even though many claim that they are “pro-choice.” (Harmon 16) Some such parents have gone to hospitals with their children, hoping to convince the doctors that they should have parents that receive the diagnosis of Down’s Syndrome in their child go to them first before making the decision to abort. (Harmon 15) They feel that the parents would choose not to abort their child if they spend time with their children. (Harmon 15) Doctors in general are taking this plea cautiously. (Harmon 15) Their take on this is that it would complicate the parents’ decision. (Harmon 15) Often times by the time the amniocentesis (the preferred test to diagnose Down’s syndrome in the womb) can be performed with accurate results, it is already the second trimester. Current laws concerning abortion prohibit late-term abortions. This means that there is only a small window of time in which parents can legally have an abortion. There is also the fear that if the parent has already decided to have an abortion, spending time with these families could enhance the feeling of trauma that they will already be feeling. (Harmon 15) The parents parading their children with Down’s syndrome about to hospitals want the doctors to revise how they tell parents about the diagnosis of Down’s syndrome. (Harmon 30) They do not want the doctors to say things like “I’m sorry” or “I have some bad news.” (Harmon 30) They do not feel that having a child with Down’s syndrome is either something to be sorry about, nor is it bad news. The doctors, for the most part, feel that they cannot just tell a parent the glossed-over version of the diagnosis. (Harmon 30) They can say anything that sounds cheery, but the reality still remains that the child, if born, would not be “normal.” (Harmon 30) There will be many complications in this child’s life. (Harmon 29) There is the possibility that they will never be able to even live on their own, which brings up the question of what to do should they outlive the parent. (Harmon 29) There are just so many negative aspects that the doctors feel that they need to present to the parents so they can make their decision with the information that they need. (Harmon 30)

So what drives the parents of these children with Down’s syndrome to visit hospitals to beg doctors to look at things their way? (Harmon 3) Many parents feel that if there are fewer children born with Down’s Syndrome, that there will be less funding and fewer programs to help those with the syndrome that are living. (Harmon 19) Some parents acknowledge a selfish motive in this—that they want their child to have every opportunity. Some say that their desire is not so much political to them; it is just about “faces disappearing.” (Harmon 17 18) Some feel that if there were fewer children born with Down’s syndrome, that the remaining ones would be “unwelcome.” (Harmon 25) There is also the idea that if broader prenatal testing were to be performed, fewer Down’s syndrome babies would be born…if any. (Harmon 3) This, they say, would lead to a world in which there would be no genetic differences. (Harmon 7) What would happen to diversity, they ask. (Harmon 7)

Even if no one were ever again born with Down’s syndrome, if all the pregnancies were terminated, would this mean that there would be no more funding? Just because there would be no children born with Down’s syndrome would not mean that no one would want to be able to solve this problem. Does anyone truly want to end a pregnancy? No one wants the news that their child will not function normally, that it will have mild to moderate mental retardation. Though there is no proof to back the idea, it would seem common sense that even if every pregnancy with a Down’s syndrome child were aborted, there would still be research for the cure of it. The fact that it exists and causes so many abortions would likely have scientists searching for a cure. These parents who are so ardent in their crusade to disallow prenatal testing for all expectant mothers have been just as eager and determined to fight for the rights of their children who are already in this world. (Harmon 9) Many have taken time away from that work to throw themselves into the work of trying to ensure that these children are born. (Harmon 11) Their children are already allowed in the public schools where they receive education and help. (Harmon 14) These programs would not be discontinued so long as these parents fight. While many of these women claim to champion a woman’s right to have an abortion if they so choose, they contradict this. (Harmon 16) They would rather women younger than thirty-five not know of their child’s diagnosis, since they may choose to have an abortion. This is more selfish of them than one woman’s statement that she wanted every opportunity for her child. (Harmon 18) That they would be willing for a woman to unknowingly have a child that she is not ready for, just so that they can feel better about the future of their own child, is a most abhorrent idea. They would sacrifice another family’s well-being for their own. How can these women honestly say that they champion a woman’s right to have an abortion? They defend their right to have their child, but trample another woman’s right to know and abort a child that she has not the means of supporting properly.

Would a child with Down’s syndrome be more unwelcome if there were no more children born with the syndrome? I think it would change little. If we truly examine ourselves, we must admit that there is a sense of discomfort when we are around these people. We may say that we do not think differently, but we do. We are not sure what to do, or what to make of them. This is part of human nature to be wary of those that we view as “different” from ourselves. We may not wish them ill-will, but we still do not know how to act. No amount of children born, or not born will alter this about ourselves. The cure would be to spend time with them, so we can be more comfortable with the idea. But not all of us have that opportunity. Instead, we muddle through life uncertain of how to respond to these individuals. I would not say that they are unwelcome, but they do make people uncomfortable. This is not the child’s fault, but the inability of human beings to interact comfortably with differences. There will always be diversity in humans, whether it is skin colour, religion, race, or mental capabilities. The difference when it comes to a person with mental disabilities comes when the parent will be ill-equipped to deal with the difficulties that life with a child like this will present. In the case of any disability, the parent may not be able to handle the emotional, financial, or social ramifications of having such a child. (Harmon 19) That is not the parent’s fault! They did not ask for such a burden, all they wanted was a child. We may not be able to tell what sort of child we will produce, but when there is an opportunity to know what they will be signing up for by continuing a pregnancy, such as with Down’s syndrome, we cannot fault the parent for terminating the pregnancy.

Fortunately, there have been some steps taken to help alleviate the problems faced when a parent discovers that they have a child with Down’s syndrome. Through recent legislation, there will be current information provided to these prospective parents. (Allot 11) Most important, I believe is the list provided of families who are willing to adopt children with Down’s syndrome. (Allot 12) I am not in favour of eliminating these children; as I said, they are precious souls. I understand that some families are simply not able to take care of these children. This offers a wonderful alternative to ending the pregnancy, which would cause heart-rending trauma to the mother; they can instead carry the pregnancy to its full term and then give it to a family that is equipped to handle the special needs that this child will present.

Born or not, a baby with Down’s syndrome will have an effect on the family. I know of a man who wanted to become a scientist so that he could try to cure Down’s syndrome and keep it from ever happening. He was influenced by his mother’s decision to end her pregnancy once it was discovered that the daughter she carried had Down’s syndrome. I have personally watched the effects of this woman’s decision. I respect her decision. I don’t know how she could have managed to care for this child when she already had two children with many problems that still plague her, even though they are well into their adult lives. There is no way that this woman could have maintained her sanity if she had bourne that child. It would also be an awful environment for that child. She must work hard to keep herself afloat financially, and therefore would not be present to care for the child. The daughter would also be exposed to hateful reactions from an already existing daughter. She could not have provided for the child in her position, and I fully support her decision to end the pregnancy.

There are issues with this decision that do not affect just people with Down’s syndrome. In discussing my topic for this paper with my brother he brought up another issue related with this. My brother has Aspergers Syndrome, which is a form of autism. He frequents many forums where there are many others with Aspergers. There is a fear expressed in these forums that if abortion in cases of Down’s syndrome, will there not also be abortion of babies with Autism or Aspergers, supposing there were a test that could detect such things in utero. There is a major difference that I think should be pointed out, lest others fall into such a way of sliding along this slippery slope. People with Aspergers, are highly functional. Many may go through life successfully, succeeding in their careers, personal life. There is no similarity between them and those with Down’s syndrome except the word syndrome. While those with higher levels of Autism may be under the same category of Down’s syndrome in the sense that they may never be able to function independently, despite their usual high intelligence. But can we assume that just because there is a high instance of abortion with Down’s syndrome pregnancies, does not mean that the same would occur with Autism or Aspergers. This is an awful slippery slope fallacy. You cannot judge the two in comparison with each other. They both have different arguments and situations.

For myself, I could not have an abortion, though I respect and will defend the ability of all other women to do so if that is what their conscience dictates. I believe that all women should be able to have the right to have their baby tested in utero to determine whether they have any serious handicaps. This is what I would want. If a woman does not want to have these tests done then she should not be required to. It is each individual woman’s right to decide what happens to her child. If we take away that right, where is our freedom? Every woman ought to be informed of both sides of a diagnosis. In the case of Down’s syndrome, I would not rule out a discussion with a family that has a child with Down’s syndrome, especially if the parent was uncertain about how Down’s syndrome would affect their life and what would be demanded of them in the situation. Saying this, however, I must say that this must be the woman’s own choice. If she has already decided to have an abortion, then that is her right and option. Even when making that decision, I believe a woman must be fully informed of both the benefits and problems that will result. A woman must be informed that yes, the pregnancy will be terminated, solving the current problem, but there will be possible long-term consequences to the mother’s mental health. Abortion must not be seen as a cure-all situation. As with anything in life, there will be pros and cons to every decision. I would also say that the women that are opposing the tests being offered to younger women have every right to do so. They must be allowed to express themselves if our society can function freely. I also think that they are to be honoured for their decision to raise children that others would not be able to care for. They should be praised for their strength, but also counseled to understand that others may not have their strength of will or the ability that they have. Just because they have been able to raise these children does not mean that everyone has the strength or ability to do so. They must not force their decisions on others who are not capable. This would be doing a disservice to both the parent and the child, who already has things they must conquer. There must be an air of tolerance if our country is to survive. We must not condemn those who think differently than we do. If we do this, who is to say that some day we won’t be on the other end of things. We must hold fast to our own principles and let others be. We can control ourselves, but not the actions of others. Shouldn’t we then concentrate on our faults and try to fix them than on other people’s faults? So now let me ask, is a world without Down’s syndrome a blessing or a curse? That is up to you to decide.

Works Cited

Harmon, Amy “Prenatal Test Puts Down Syndrome in Hard Focus” New York Times 9 May 2007.

Web. 26 March 2009

Allot, Daniel “The Trig Palin Effect.” The Washington Times 12 October 2008

26 March 2009

Mourning and Life.

I'm not really sure what to say. I don't deal with death well at all. I never really knew how to grieve. I usually just push the feelings away and not deal with them at all, as soon as I feel myself begin to think about a death, I push away and think of something else. I can actually feel the thoughts move away when I start thinking about them, it has become a reflex. I guess it is some sort of defense mechanism, the thoughts hurt, so I can't think about them. I'm not sure that it is the best way to deal with pain, so I've been trying without thinking about it much to deal with pain. I've been thinking about the recent deaths I've encountered. Boo Boo's Dad's death and now Grandma Mary's. I'm just not quite sure what to do with the pain once it surfaces. I've hardly told anyone about Grandma Mary. Tim knows and a guy in my psychology class knows, but that's it. I haven't really wanted to tell anyone. Part of it is that I don't know quite how to explain how I feel, so I don't really want a flood of, "oh I'm so very sorry." I mean I barely knew the woman, but I know that I'm sad about her death. I really only remember two times that I ever was around her. I remember when we were in Oregon for the family reunion. I stayed behind when everyone went out to some caverns. I didn't want Aunt June to get lonely, plus I was scared of going to the cavern or whatever it was (shh, I didn't just admit that!!). I remember all the women sitting around and talking. Grandma Mary was talking about her other husbands and how they had died and that she'd had to bury them all. I'm guessing I wasn't supposed to be exposed to that, after all mother didn't talk about Grandma Mary's other marriages, I'm sure she didn't want me to know that one of them killed himself. I talked to her some when I was in Arizona too. It really hit me in a way that it just couldn't as an eight year old how hard her life was. She never really said so, but one knew it had to be. She raised her children all on her own, while her husbands were dying on her. That just isn't an ideal way to live, but she survived. She made it and married someone who, I sensed, made her happy. That makes me rather bittersweet inside. I am so happy that she seemed to find someone, but at the same time, it occured to me today that Grandma Mary and Grandpa are going to be Tim and me. We always tend to go to the same restaurants and order the same things. Tim and I are always watching out for each other and doing the same things that they were doing for each other. Tim and I are going to be that old couple that goes into a restaurant and don't have to order, because the people already know what we are going to order. Then we're going to end up like Granpa...one of us has to go first and the other will be left alone, the only other alternatives are fairy tales or tragedies. I doubt nature will be kind enough to let us have a fairy tale ending and I don't particularly want a tragedy, though it would get us both killed at the same time, which is what I want. I don't want Grandpa to be feeling that the other half of himself is gone, but I can't think how he feels otherwise. I assume that is how people that are married feel. I know that's how I feel about Tim. I've already broken down and bawled once today, and I'm feeling close to it now...maybe that's just the knowledge that I can't eat since the ants that have invaded the kitchen also invaded my food, but I doubt that. I start to feel like it may be more healthy to face your feelings about death, that it is not very pleasant at all. I know Grandma was old and lived quite a long life, so maybe it was her time, but it never seems that there is a good time to die. It hurts me a lot that I can't just go run to my grandfather. I love him so much and look up to him. I got the sense in Arizona that he is a very good man. He cares about things, he cared about Grandma Lois. I don't know that much about the divorce, but he cried when he talked about her. That doesn't sound like someone who cared nothing for her. She wasn't the saint that was portrayed, but I didn't want a saint, I wanted a grandmother.

In other news, apparently Tim and I have extremely high levels of stress. There's a test to determine how high your stress level probably is, and we both were off the charts. I didn't see all the questions in class when we took it, so I got a 349...which is in the 300 and up category...which happens to be the highest. I apparently have an 80% increased chance of contracting an illness and having heart disease. Then I retook it because Tim had a 414 and I was perturbed that he had a higher score, so I retook it finding that I had missed some questions...I got 581. I should be dead from stress...I should put the test up here so you guys can have fun seeing how stressed you are!!! YAY for stress!! School is almost out, which is making me sad. I'm going to miss my Psychology buddies... There are a couple guys and one guy in particular that is kinda I guess my friend? The one guy, Jimmy, always sits with me while I wait for Tim to pick me up, and it is fun to have someone around that doesn't try to hit on me...very nice change. I'm going to miss him and Greek Boy, another guy in the class. Ah well.

So I feel like an old lady saying this...

But seriously, how can kids these days be so gosh-awful?!?!?! I'm sitting in my room with my window open, so I can get some air in my stuffy room, and all I hear are these brat kids "playing" outside. Every two seconds it seems like there are insults being thrown about. "fat pig" or "fat 'donkey'" and all sorts of things like that. These aren't teenagers or even middle schoolers...they are elementary school children!!!! It just astounds me the language that flies out of their mouths! and not just that, they feel no shame or remorse for hitting things like...cars. Tim and I were sitting in his mom's BMW and they hit it many times and didn't even react when they saw us in the car. Tim teases me that I'm going to be one of those old ladies that watches out their windows at the kids playing and then chase them around with a broom or purse (if I carried one). I just have to look at him and say...going to be??? I've always been that way!!!!!!!!!! Of course he acknowledges that he's going to be the old man sitting on the porch yelling at the kids to get off his lawn... Have kids always been this way?? Did I just live a sheltered life away from this? Ok so, yeah I did lead a sheltered life, but come on!! I never would have pondered doing these things!! Maybe I'm just being silly, but I just can't believe how awful kids are these days...

And yes I do realize that I sound very old saying "kids these days" but its how I feel!!

Some thoughts of mine...

Right now, in my heart, I can't help feeling sad and lonely. I was browsing through my facebook and came across Matt Mach's page. It brought back to me the time when I went down there for his dad's funerul. My heart still hurts inside and I really just want to be down there with them and hold them all. I miss them. They are my family without having any biological ties. I just can't help feeling lonely at being seperated. I loved their dad so much, he was just like a big teddy bear to me. I never ever thought of being intimidated by him, I didn't even know he COULD be intimidating. I miss him so much. I still break down and cry over the fact that whenever I see the Machs, he won't be there. He won't ever again pop up in the foyer at church and grab my hand to drag me off to see the rest of the family. The last time I saw him, he was so sweet talking to me about things, I just never could stop myself from loving this man. I wish so much that they had lived closer so I could have spent more time with him and the rest of the family. I love them all so much. I want to see them this summer, but at the same time, I know it will hurt me inside. I just can't bring myself to believe that he is really gone. He is possibly one of the most neurotic and wonderful men I've ever met. I wanted to go shooting with him, and now I never will be able to. I wish I could... I miss my Boo Boo and I miss Matt. I miss everyone else too, but I feel just keep remembering the funeral, and holding on to Matt and Boo Boo. I felt so close to them both. I felt so useful and there was something about being able to feel like I was bonding with them when we were all hurting. They lost a father and I lost a father figure. I knew he loved me and I knew he loved his children and his wife. I just can't stop mourning in my heart. I want to beleive that when I see the Machs again, he will come sauntering up. I expected it when I got to West Virginia. I knew that this whole thing had to be just an excuse to get me down there. I just knew he could not have died. I kept waiting for the moment when the pain in my heart would go away and I would be able to give him a huge hug and chide everyone for teasing me. The reality of it just hasn't set in. I couldn't face the viewing. Any moment I was waiting for him to jump out of the casket and yell "gotcha" but that never happened. I had to force myself into the room with the casket. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold in my tears, and I couldn't. I cried tears from the bottom of my heart. I felt something bearing down on me that I could only try to release with tears. I also knew that there were others around me that must be hurting far worse than I was, and I knew I needed to be there for them too. I feel right now that if I could just have my Boo Boo come hug me that I'd feel so much better. I miss her so much. She is a true sister to me and I feel like I really could use that now. I hate that I'm away from her and my second family. I felt so at home when I was there. I knew that I was wanted and welcomed there. I got so many hugs and I knew I was so accepted. They just love me. If I could, I would carry them all around with me in my pocket and be able to bring them out...or something like that... I hate feeling seperated from them. My twin is there, and I need her a lot. I wish I could heal all of our hearts.

My blog in a whole new way!!!

Yeah so I found my webcam..........this is what happens....




My profuse apologies :-D

Frustrations...

I've been having issues recently being able to sleep soundly throughout the night. I have these sometimes odd, but happy dreams like my Gaelen talking or being happy to see me or dreaming of Obama boogying down at a party after showing me his new presidential Blackberry... But more and more I have these dreams that leave me angry. This morning I woke up to punching the window that is next to my bed. Often these dreams revolve around mother or Bethany, often with much yelling in my dreams expressing my hatred towards them, usually of mother. I'm not sure quite what to do. They are interuppting my sleep which I badly need and make me tired all day long. Today I haven't been able to focus on going back to sleep because I keep thinking about my dreams. One of my dreams last night also had me screaming at dad that I hated him, though later in my dream I acknowledged to myself that I did not hate him, but was merely funneling my hatred of my mother towards him. I really want these dreams to stop, but I don't know what to do to make it happen... I'm at the point of wanting to go to a shrink again to help me sort out my issues with mother, but I don't have that kind of money to just throw around, ya know? I mean I have insurance, but I just don't have the money to pay the deductable nor for regular expensive visits to a shrink. I'm just not sure what to do.

Life.

So, Tim and I went grocery shopping of sorts today! I actually bought food other than cereal and milk! Amazing isn't it? Of course I can't do this very frequently since I had to put it on a credit card and I just can't be putting all that money on a card... Either way, it was very satisfying to stand in the kitchen and wonder what I wanted to eat. I finally settled on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It was oddly delicious. I don't know how long this will last, but I was having fun. On the other hand, I've been ridiculously exhausted the past couple days, which is really annoying me a lot. I missed classes because of it!! I now have to make up an exam for math since I slept through it. (my class by the way is at noon.) I thought I would collapse on Thursday in my Bio Lab. I'm convinced that was also due to having a misogynistic plant sample >.< Nothing went the way it was supposed to in my lab. I just couldn't concentrate or even focus my eyes well, I was just too exhausted. I've done three papers now for my English class. The first one was about my belief that I have earned my adulthood. Then I just turned in two papers today (which were due Wednesday this week, the day I missed...) I had to analyze the logical fallacies of Governor Jindal's response to Obama's State of the Nation address and then also Obama's address. I found sooo many logical fallacies in Jindal's that it wasn't even funny... Obama's had two in the whole thing...I swear it is because I'm biased, but Tim and I both read through it and tried to find fallacies and just couldn't. I confess that I didn't listen to the whole of Jindal's speech when it was aired because I just couldn't stand the way he delivered it. Fortunately we had excerpts of it. It was much more palateable that way. The other paper I did was looking at the logical fallacies in a chapter of Hitler's Mein Kampf. I couldn't read the whole selection, it just made me too sick. I mean he wasn't discussing killing all the Jews or anything, but he was just going on about how people in different races should not mix and such. You could see his megalomania jump out at you in so much of it that I just couldn't stomach it. Oh well. So far I've gotten B's on the two papers I've turned in, which is less than I would like, but still not bad at all. My psychology class has been amazing! I look forward to that class every tuesday and thursday!! I love my professor, even though most everyone else doesn't seem to care too much. I just have so much fun!! Of course, we haven't gotten to Freud yet, I'm not looking forward to learning about enispay envymay. I have been comforted by the fact that people don't actually pay too much attention to Freud anymore...unless they're poking fun at it. I've done that a lot. I like to tease my friends about how everything is related to phallises (is that a word?) She was telling me while I was driving her around that she had a fear of crashing into trees, so I analyzed it for her :-D Something about fear of running into large phallises...she then said something about it must be a fear of being wrapped around them. Ah me loves the Renee. I got a 98% on my first psychology test :-D I'm actually disappointed that I did that "badly" Yes I am a dork, thank you. I got to be privy to Renee's 11 year old having her first discussion about condoms. I think it went fairly well, she's gotten really used to me being her big sister, and I love that. She got told how she could always go to her mom with questions about these things if she were curious, and that she could go to me also if she didn't feel comfortable going to her mom. I've been getting questions from her 5 year old brother about whether I still love him after he's done something he shouldn't. He seems to worry about losing my love a lot. I try really hard to assure him that I will always love him no matter. I also feel pretty triumphant, since Renee's 3 year old, is now staying clean and dry most of the day because of the system I thought of. She's become really loving towards me. In the beginning when I would come over, she would yell at me not to do something, that she wanted mommy and "not you!!" But she's actually done that to other people when they try to unbuckle her or something and says that she wants me. I feel pretty cool. And my few times of giving her swats on her little tooshie when she hits me have paid off!! The other day in the store, she was having a massive temper tantrum, and I got close to her to explain that she needed to be quiet and sit in the cart properly. I could see her hand go up and she was sooo ready to hit me, but she thought about it for a second and instead brushed her hair with her hand. The next time she thought about it, I was just like, Mia you know you don't really want to do that... I had my hand ready to swat if she did, but I didn't have to do it!! I have won!!! She knows better than to hit me! Of course, I could never ever bring myself to really spank her in the hand burning but searing way, I only give light swats that don't hurt, but get the attention that she can't do that, and I only do it when she hits me. I am convinced I feel worse about it than she does... I nearly cried the first time I did it, because I was afraid of hitting her hard, but everyone was like nope you barely touched her. The youngest, my little Bubby just turned 1. I feel really old... We took him to Red Robin and he got a nice sundae...all over his face. I think they're going to do something with cake this weekend lol. He really seems to love me, and sometimes I'm convinced he really thinks he has two mommies...He seems to not be able to decide which mommy he wants. Sometimes, he'll go from his mom to me and back and forth for ages before settling on one. He screams for me when I leave the room, even when his mom's there. As soon as he sees me he puts his arms up for me to pick him up. I really love that little boy. I just don't want him to get older where I would have to do more than just sit there and love on him. Anyway, this has turned out to be much longer than I meant for it to be, so I'm going to shut my boca for now :-D Have fun everyone!

Not really in a happy mood...

So Grandma Mary is dying. I really really would love to be out in Arizona right now to be with her before she passes and to be with Grandpa. I love them both a lot and really want to be with them. Logically of course I can't, because I am in school and am now officially a poor college student. Mother is going out, but I don't see really why she should. I don't know that she really has that great of a love of her father. I mean for goodness sake she and the rest of her siblings except Uncle Steve sided against him in the divorce trial! I'm sure she thinks he's awful and had an affair with Grandma Mary, although Grandpa told me otherwise. I feel like I wouldn't be able to go even if I had the ability, just because mother will be there. Like she really cares...Maybe I am being a bit harsh, but its how I'm feeling right now. I have such respect and love for Grandma Mary. She had such a hard life, she raised her children on her own and had her husbands die on her. I hate to know that Grandpa will have to bury Grandma Mary. I fear he won't do well after she is gone, that she gave him such purpose in life and made him feel fulfilled. He took such good care of her, they were so sweet together. I will really miss Grandma Mary when she leaves...

Totally Freaked Out!!!

So, I start school on Monday. Reality is setting in, and I'm beginning to freak out. Logically speaking, I know that I'll do ok. But this is the first time I've been in a class in years. I'm so nervous. Thank goodness my books just arrived, its a crazy heavy box, but the UPS guy had fun tossing it around on my porch -.- So I'm also dealing with computer issues and stupid tech people don't want to tell you that it is a hardware problem. I tell them that when I have my computer at a 45 degree angle, it just turns off. My model apparently has problems with that, it makes the heat sensor go nuts or something. All they told me was that I needed to go back to factory specs or something. At any rate, they said to wipe my computer clean and start over again. That doesn't seem like it would go with what my problem is...Any suggestions anyone?

One Dream Down, Many More to Go...

It isn't as dismal as the title sounds. I've actually fulfilled one of my dreams. I have always wanted to have a corset. I FINALLY HAVE ONE!!!! I plan to wear it most of the time. It feels wonderful. It somehow supports my lower back, making it so it doesn't hurt like it usually does. It also forces me to sit and stand properly. It is AWESOME!!! I thought I was getting a blue one, but it came as purple...silly ebay. I still like it though. I don't plan to make it to Scarlett's amazing waist width of 18 inches, but it does shape me a bit. It really is mostly just for fun, but its being very useful for me too :-D I finally figured a way to make it work too since it um flattens some areas I didn't want flattened particularly, but I've fixed it!!!!! I had to be laced up, so that was fun too, definitely an experience. I felt like Scarlett telling Mammie to make it tighter. Modern day corsets have hooks and eyes up the front so I don't have to be laced up every day. I'm wondering if its ok to sleep in, cuz I really like how it feels and don't want to take it off. I have now to get myself a real Civil War dress and then I'll be good :-D I have another blog that I have been working on. It hasn't exactly been the most fun blog I've ever written. Its about my trip to Ohio. Its been good to at least be able to put my feelings down somewhere. I really miss it down there, and I miss being around Steph and her family...my family too. I felt so at home there, and really part of their family. Even Steph's Grandpa was like family. At one point, I just reached over and gave him a hug and didn't really even think about it until I'd already done it, but I just felt like family. I got to drive home with their Uncle Mick and Aunt Shawn and had a good time, I've officially adopted them as my Aunt and Uncle...and their two dogs as my cousins obviously...Matt I don't know if you're reading this, but if you are, I miss you little brother.