Friday, April 24, 2009

Mourning and Life.

I'm not really sure what to say. I don't deal with death well at all. I never really knew how to grieve. I usually just push the feelings away and not deal with them at all, as soon as I feel myself begin to think about a death, I push away and think of something else. I can actually feel the thoughts move away when I start thinking about them, it has become a reflex. I guess it is some sort of defense mechanism, the thoughts hurt, so I can't think about them. I'm not sure that it is the best way to deal with pain, so I've been trying without thinking about it much to deal with pain. I've been thinking about the recent deaths I've encountered. Boo Boo's Dad's death and now Grandma Mary's. I'm just not quite sure what to do with the pain once it surfaces. I've hardly told anyone about Grandma Mary. Tim knows and a guy in my psychology class knows, but that's it. I haven't really wanted to tell anyone. Part of it is that I don't know quite how to explain how I feel, so I don't really want a flood of, "oh I'm so very sorry." I mean I barely knew the woman, but I know that I'm sad about her death. I really only remember two times that I ever was around her. I remember when we were in Oregon for the family reunion. I stayed behind when everyone went out to some caverns. I didn't want Aunt June to get lonely, plus I was scared of going to the cavern or whatever it was (shh, I didn't just admit that!!). I remember all the women sitting around and talking. Grandma Mary was talking about her other husbands and how they had died and that she'd had to bury them all. I'm guessing I wasn't supposed to be exposed to that, after all mother didn't talk about Grandma Mary's other marriages, I'm sure she didn't want me to know that one of them killed himself. I talked to her some when I was in Arizona too. It really hit me in a way that it just couldn't as an eight year old how hard her life was. She never really said so, but one knew it had to be. She raised her children all on her own, while her husbands were dying on her. That just isn't an ideal way to live, but she survived. She made it and married someone who, I sensed, made her happy. That makes me rather bittersweet inside. I am so happy that she seemed to find someone, but at the same time, it occured to me today that Grandma Mary and Grandpa are going to be Tim and me. We always tend to go to the same restaurants and order the same things. Tim and I are always watching out for each other and doing the same things that they were doing for each other. Tim and I are going to be that old couple that goes into a restaurant and don't have to order, because the people already know what we are going to order. Then we're going to end up like of us has to go first and the other will be left alone, the only other alternatives are fairy tales or tragedies. I doubt nature will be kind enough to let us have a fairy tale ending and I don't particularly want a tragedy, though it would get us both killed at the same time, which is what I want. I don't want Grandpa to be feeling that the other half of himself is gone, but I can't think how he feels otherwise. I assume that is how people that are married feel. I know that's how I feel about Tim. I've already broken down and bawled once today, and I'm feeling close to it now...maybe that's just the knowledge that I can't eat since the ants that have invaded the kitchen also invaded my food, but I doubt that. I start to feel like it may be more healthy to face your feelings about death, that it is not very pleasant at all. I know Grandma was old and lived quite a long life, so maybe it was her time, but it never seems that there is a good time to die. It hurts me a lot that I can't just go run to my grandfather. I love him so much and look up to him. I got the sense in Arizona that he is a very good man. He cares about things, he cared about Grandma Lois. I don't know that much about the divorce, but he cried when he talked about her. That doesn't sound like someone who cared nothing for her. She wasn't the saint that was portrayed, but I didn't want a saint, I wanted a grandmother.

In other news, apparently Tim and I have extremely high levels of stress. There's a test to determine how high your stress level probably is, and we both were off the charts. I didn't see all the questions in class when we took it, so I got a 349...which is in the 300 and up category...which happens to be the highest. I apparently have an 80% increased chance of contracting an illness and having heart disease. Then I retook it because Tim had a 414 and I was perturbed that he had a higher score, so I retook it finding that I had missed some questions...I got 581. I should be dead from stress...I should put the test up here so you guys can have fun seeing how stressed you are!!! YAY for stress!! School is almost out, which is making me sad. I'm going to miss my Psychology buddies... There are a couple guys and one guy in particular that is kinda I guess my friend? The one guy, Jimmy, always sits with me while I wait for Tim to pick me up, and it is fun to have someone around that doesn't try to hit on me...very nice change. I'm going to miss him and Greek Boy, another guy in the class. Ah well.


CrouchingOwl said...

Its left me kind of dazed as well. I think part of the problem is at work I don't really have anyone I can talk to about much of anything, not just this. So some days I don't really feel sane till I get back home.

sleepyhamster said...

yeah I really understand that one...I mean I have my psych buddies, but they aren't really close friends or anything, so I can't feel like I can really talk to them about stuff like this.

Andy said...

I think losing someone I hardly knew is worse than losing someone I knew well. I miss the possibilites of the relationship we could have had. I but I don't exactly miss her even though I think I should. While her death is sad, I never talked to her when she was alive. How do you miss someone you never talked to or spent time with?

I guess relatives that I barely know will keep dieing because I don't really know most of them. When I was younger, I felt like my lack of relationships with relatives was someone else's fault. I'm slowly realizing that I've grown up and it's my responsibility now. This is depressing because I'm doing a pretty poor job of keeping in touch with relatives.

sleepyhamster said...

If it makes you feel better, Andy, when I was in Arizona, Grandma Mary talked about you several times. She was always talking about you and how good you were with computers and things like that. She remembered when she saw you once, and you were telling her all about them or something like that. She liked you a lot.