Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Israel vs Palestine

There's been a lot in the news lately about the tense relationship between Israel and the Palestinians. The upside for me of Romney making such huge mistakes is that a lot of news outlets are covering it and bringing up issues I wasn't aware of.
Growing up Mormon has an interesting effect on how one views Israelis. I suspect that's true of growing up in any Christian religion. We're taught that god loved the Jews. They're the chosen people. Mormons view themselves as a part of the Jews, so we're also the chosen ones. Our nation is staunchly pro-Israel, because leaders have Christian backgrounds and thus favour them. I never got a very good education about the conflict going on there, but what I did get was that essentially we have to side with Israel because they're God's people.
There's a large problem with that sort of thinking. It promotes a very one-sided way of thinking. It tends to make people view Palestinians as the problem in an incredibly complex situation. There is no black and white way of looking at this situation and to make it appear so would be naive and potentially dangerous.
Lets take a look at this situation. We all know the historical relationship between Israel and Palestine. Half-brothers that just honestly never quite got along...that relationship is still going on today, its just so much more complicated. So the Jews got spread all over. They got kicked out and persecuted for centuries. No one wanted them everyone hated them. Millions were brutally slaughtered and imprisoned. Unspeakable things happened in concentration camps. There is no justification in the world for it. I weep for the victims and the survivors. It was also the straw that broke the camel's back and a great boon for the Jewish people. For once, people were on their side! Thousands of young men died during WWII to save them, among other reasons. The Jews were understandably terrified of the Holocaust happening again. They wanted a home. They wanted a nation of their own where they could be safe. They wanted to live in peace.
To accomplish this, the United Nations declared they could have that home. Britain controlled the area and gave it to them. But the problem is there were people living there not too keen on the plan. This was their home and suddenly they were being invaded, in a sense, by a people they already weren't keen on. I don't think anyone would be keen on this. How would we feel if a foreign entity suddenly decided that the United States was suddenly a home for the persecuted French people? No more US. These people now ruled us. Its the same thing, but with more of a history of animosity.
In hindsight, I don't think it was the right thing to do. It should have been clear at the time, but I understand why it happened. But what right had they to arbitrarily decide this? What right did they have to force the Palestinians to bow to someone else?
So conflict ensued. Palestinians blow themselves up. Israel attacks them and makes it incredibly difficult for them to be successful. Everyone retaliating against the other. No peace. How can there be when there are such deep-seated resentments on both sides?
What is the answer? I don't know. Who is right? I would say no one is. They are both at fault and they both need to work together to try to come to a fair conclusion. They need to find a way to compromise and come together. Hopefully one day it will happen. I doubt I will ever see it, but I hope for it.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Father's Day

So Father's Day was yesterday. I thought about calling my dad, but I never got around to it. I'm a huge Daddy's Girl at heart, but I feel like we just will never be what I want us to be. He'll never really be the father I want. I want someone who understands me and who understands what I've gone through and accept who I am without silently or not so silently judging me. I sometimes hope my mother dies before him in the hopes that maybe we could have a good relationship after that. But I think there's a serious rift that we can't mend. The abuse I went through is a very large part of who I am. It isn't something I'm willing to have someone dismiss or blame me for and he does both. It makes me feel victimized and frustrated. How can you explain that not taking pills made you deserve being hit on the head quite hard with a metal spoon? How can you explain you were so terrified you couldn't learn and deserved to be told you were stupid and then get hit when that didn't make you learn? How can you explain your mother has a side that he has never seen. Or seen only a glimpse of it when she threw a large book at me. And that is easily dismissed because she wasn't trying to hit me with it, just threw it "to" me so I could sign papers with it. You can't get past that mindset. I want to be able to have a relationship, but I know I can't because I'm just throwing myself at him when he will never see things in a different light. He will never understand what I went through. He will never choose my needs over her wants. I should have learned that a long time ago.
Then there's Steve. I miss him so much. He was someone who truly loved me and thought of me as his own daughter. I think of him on Father's Day and I feel an ache inside. I'll never be able to hug him again. He'll never show up and drag me off again. I'll never be able to see his face all lit up and proud and excited because I can't stop staring at his guns. I'll never go shooting with him and I'll never have one of his guns to shoot and remember him like he wanted. He was a damaged man. He had so many problems and I never saw that side of him, but I loved him so much. He was kind to me. He loved me. He's gone. I'm tearing up just thinking of him. I've never recovered from his death. I don't think I ever will. My mind is still where it was before going into the room for the viewing. Unwilling to walk through. Unable to face the truth. Unable to face down my denial and acknowledge that he really is dead. I just push those feelings aside. I cope. I can't deal. I can't sort through it. I'm afraid to unlock everything that I keep hidden because I honestly don't know if I could survive it.
I'm glad there are some people I see that are good fathers. I'm glad Justin grew up unscathed enough emotionally to be a good father and a wonderful husband. I'm so proud of him. I'm proud he's my brother. I'm glad we both grew up and could get along. I'm glad I look forward to his weekly calls. I don't like having anything going on when he usually calls because I don't want to be distracted or have to cut it short. I wish we lived closer and I could get T used to me so I could finally be an Aunt. Maybe when he's older he'll be okay with me and that would be awesome.
I'm dreading testifying about what I saw while being surrogate mommy to Brian and Renee's kids...plus a slew of others. I don't want to deal with the backlash that will probably come when Bethel finds out what I've done. I have no problem telling her off if/when she gets in my face about it. But I don't relish it. I don't enjoy confrontation. And I don't enjoy having people talk about me behind my back. I know she'll gossip about me and what I said. I know I'll be judged for it. People will say I don't understand what parenting is like. The demands that are on mothers. I understand them. She wasn't living up to them and neglected her children and the children of others. I won't be silent. Not if I can help those children. But I don't want them to hate me and I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to get them to.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012


<p>So last week I spent about four hours on the phone with my dad. I suppose it was good, but it brought up some issues for me.<br>
I'm aware I'm not a favoured child. I'd be stupid to think I was. There are a lot of double standards and it gets to me. For example, my oldest brother used money that wasn't exactly his to use. He should have been setting it aside for taxes since his employer wasn't withholding them. Of course he eventually needed to use that money, so now he owes a crap ton of back taxes. My dad's reaction was, well he shouldn't have spent it, but he needed the money! What was he supposed to do?! Now I was in a somewhat similar situation and his response was pretty much how dare you!<br>
My oldest brother is not divorced, yet he's on a dating site. I don't personally care, but I mentioned it to my dad and he said oh well how else is he supposed to get to know girls? I was with a separated man. I didn't exactly get the same reaction...<br>
My parents drained all of their resources funding my brother's first divorce. If I had married Tim, I would eventually have gotten a divorce. If I had been in the situation where I couldn't afford to pay for the litigation involved, my dad would have said something along the lines of, "well I'm sorry, thats really difficult." And not only that, but they spent all of my college fund on his divorce, so I'm once again just shunted aside and screwed over. And then when I apply for student loans, my parents will be horrified that I'm taking out a loan. I mean geez what do they expect? Sure they would have paid for the actual school, but their calculations included room and board...at home. Its not the same at all, so unless I want to juggle a full-time job with school, which really isn't an ideal situation since I know I need to be focusing all my energy on school, I need extra money. Or now, I just need money, since they paid for the mistakes of my brother.
Its all so frustrating for me. It does make me feel unloved, which I already knew I was, and not even a second-class child. So much for the stereotype of the spoiled youngest child...