Saturday, February 27, 2010


So I'm fairly miserable today. Part of this is because I'm off my meds. I hav been for quite awhile and its awful. I'm sick of not feeling ok. I haven't been able to pay my rent myself for months. This great job I have hasn't been panning out well for me. I'm trying to find a new one. I want a salary so I won't be screwed over when things come up like being out of work for a whole week because of weather. I need to be able to pay my way in life but I haven't been able to at all. I've been driving over 100 miles a day with visits spread like 20 minutes at least apart. It isn't working out. I have to fill up my tank every other day. Its horrible. My last paycheck of $600 went this way. I took out like $240 for a car payment then I had to pay around $130 for past due amounts for my cell bill. Then there was like $50 I can't get refunded because neutrogena sucks and doesn't listen to me that I don't want their skincare regimen. The rest went to filling up my tank and paying for parking at a place I go. I bought fast food MAYBE twice. By yesterday when I got paid I just broke even. And by even I mean nothing in my account.I'd spent the last of the money on the stupid parking. So I got paid yesterday and I got about $480. Yay. I can spend that towards my rent, right? Wrong. Let's see how that plays out shall we? $330 went to more past due cell bill that I had to pay or I couldn't reconnect my cell phone. Then let's see, I also had to account for the almost 35 that hadn't been taken out yet for gas. So I can spend a bit of that on my rent, right? Nooooo because I need $20 for parking at least. More if they decide to turn that visit into a 30 minute one. Then I need enough money to account for having to fill up my stupid tank every other day. And no that is NOT an exagerration. Sadly. So I'm using all the money tim has and some of Shirley's. Nothing says hey you can trust me to rent your townhouse like borrowing money to pay for rent, right? The last thing she needs is another person that she has to support. I'm sick of being a burden on everyone. If I had the guts I'd kill myself, but I don't have the emotional ability to do that. That's sucky to realize that you feel that people would be better off without you around, but its how I feel. Pretty much completely despondent. I know I'm just really depressed. I need to get back on my meds. I need to find a new job. I want a government job. I want a salary and benefits. But the other crappy thing in my life is that I want to go to school. I can't. Even if dad paid for my books and tuition I can't afford to go to school. I still have bills and my rent to worry about that even if I had loans I wouldn't be able to make enough to survive. I just can't do anything I want. And that includes just making rent. Oh and paying people who want to sue me because I haven't paid my credit card bills. I can't afford to do that since rent and cell bills come first. I can't make those bills. I keep getting my cell turned off. They do it more constantly now. I keep telling them to just pay everything, but they won't do it! Its so obnoxious. I want it all to go away. I'm supposed to be moving into Shirley's townhouse. That's supposed to be great, but really how can I when I can't afford a rent that's $200 less? I've been looking for another job, but I haven't heard from anyone. At the point where you spend all your money basically on your job, the job isn't worth it at all. It sucks like crazy. I need to make this work, but I can't. But the jobs I've applied for are government and they take forever to get. I've applied to others but they don't seem to like that I won't work sundays. Seriously people? I give you EVERY other day of the week! What the hell do you people want from me? I really want to scream religious discrimination. But I'm not thinking that would work. I'm not sure what to do. I've cut back on everything. I'm really bummed that I can't even buy anything I just want.I used to spend too much. I'm the first to admit that, but really spending all my money on gas and parking? Not ok. I need a new place to work.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Anger and Frustration.

Soooo to put it mildly, this "bidding" on Grandma's things has gone just as badly as I thought it would. So much for optimism, my friends. I went against my better judgment and decided to be a part of this fiasco. I should have known better. I haven't had any adverse interaction with any of you guys, which is in line with what I expected. I just don't know what the point of my saying anything more is. I voice my opinion, but Peggy decides her own thing. I don't have children born or soon to be born for whom to claim things in proxy. I've had a couple bad days of this...ok since I started doing it. The night I decided to start looking through things, I started to bawl like a little girl. I finally ended up calling Tim so he could help me look, since I wasn't doing well on my own. Things went better. Then the next day magically things I really wanted were claimed as 10s and I knew I would never get them because I'm not important enough. I don't have a problem with people saying they might want things for their kids. Yes Bonnie Jean, I really like that green deer, but you can have it for your kid since that's what Peggy wants anyways. I would have said so myself that it was ok with me. I'm not out to grab everything away from everyone. I would just like to have some things for myself. Is this so much to ask that I get things I really want as long as I'm considerate to other people's feelings? I don't think so. But maybe I'm asking too much? I don't know why we can't settle these things amongst ourselves without interference? As long as there is no throat cutting or maiming, I'm good. I don't plan to be difficult and I know I'm the one people will be most concerned about. I am a little child after all. Which is obviously why we need a referee in the first place. Mean old Bri Bri might just haul off and start yelling at people! Because that's obviously just what I do. Never mind the fact that the last time that I yelled at either parent was before the family reunion because I wasn't going to be "allowed" to be at the super exclusive Hanton family events. I can pick and choose my battles now. Not everything is so urgent. It seems peggy will be dividing things up now. I don't anticipate actually getting the things I want. I've already given up things I wanted very much because I didn't feel like making a big deal. I'm very interested to see how things turn out from a masochistic view. This whole situation has been horrible. This morning I punched my bed so much I hurt my arm. I'm furious every time that I receive a notification that there is another comment. Almost every time it has been something to make me even more upset. I'm so done with this whole thing. peggy has done exactly what I expected her to do. Not in her favour at all. I am very tempted to call her up and yell and scream at her. I would love to. My stress levels would go back down, I think. But I know this wouldn't help me any. I wish I had the guts to beat her. But instead, I am backing down. I am NOT standing up for myself. I am letting her win because I have no choice. This isn't her family. She doesn't like them and they don't like her. I don't care if they are her in-laws. Martin will be my father-in-law, but I still don't like him, nor do I want anything to do with him. In-laws do not make a family. Perhaps I should assert myself, Charlotte keeps telling me that I should. What good would it do for me? It would merely reinforce the opinion that I try very hard and in vain to fight. I am not a child. I do not act like one. If I did then I would have told people off in the bidding. I didn't. I told Bethany, even after she decided that things I really wanted were her 10s that she could have them, even though I wanted them badly. It doesn't matter and this is what I have learned over and over again in my life. I do not matter. What I think and feel do not matter to the woman who, unfortunately for me, birthed me. I'm not angry at anyone who is likely to read this post...unless I'm being stalked in which case screw you. This is why I don't have contact with people. Why should I have contact with people that only want to control? I don't appreciate that. I'm done. I'm out. I don't matter. This is bullshit all of it.