Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Anger and Frustration.
Soooo to put it mildly, this "bidding" on Grandma's things has gone just as badly as I thought it would. So much for optimism, my friends. I went against my better judgment and decided to be a part of this fiasco. I should have known better. I haven't had any adverse interaction with any of you guys, which is in line with what I expected. I just don't know what the point of my saying anything more is. I voice my opinion, but Peggy decides her own thing. I don't have children born or soon to be born for whom to claim things in proxy. I've had a couple bad days of this...ok since I started doing it. The night I decided to start looking through things, I started to bawl like a little girl. I finally ended up calling Tim so he could help me look, since I wasn't doing well on my own. Things went better. Then the next day magically things I really wanted were claimed as 10s and I knew I would never get them because I'm not important enough. I don't have a problem with people saying they might want things for their kids. Yes Bonnie Jean, I really like that green deer, but you can have it for your kid since that's what Peggy wants anyways. I would have said so myself that it was ok with me. I'm not out to grab everything away from everyone. I would just like to have some things for myself. Is this so much to ask that I get things I really want as long as I'm considerate to other people's feelings? I don't think so. But maybe I'm asking too much? I don't know why we can't settle these things amongst ourselves without interference? As long as there is no throat cutting or maiming, I'm good. I don't plan to be difficult and I know I'm the one people will be most concerned about. I am a little child after all. Which is obviously why we need a referee in the first place. Mean old Bri Bri might just haul off and start yelling at people! Because that's obviously just what I do. Never mind the fact that the last time that I yelled at either parent was before the family reunion because I wasn't going to be "allowed" to be at the super exclusive Hanton family events. I can pick and choose my battles now. Not everything is so urgent. It seems peggy will be dividing things up now. I don't anticipate actually getting the things I want. I've already given up things I wanted very much because I didn't feel like making a big deal. I'm very interested to see how things turn out from a masochistic view. This whole situation has been horrible. This morning I punched my bed so much I hurt my arm. I'm furious every time that I receive a notification that there is another comment. Almost every time it has been something to make me even more upset. I'm so done with this whole thing. peggy has done exactly what I expected her to do. Not in her favour at all. I am very tempted to call her up and yell and scream at her. I would love to. My stress levels would go back down, I think. But I know this wouldn't help me any. I wish I had the guts to beat her. But instead, I am backing down. I am NOT standing up for myself. I am letting her win because I have no choice. This isn't her family. She doesn't like them and they don't like her. I don't care if they are her in-laws. Martin will be my father-in-law, but I still don't like him, nor do I want anything to do with him. In-laws do not make a family. Perhaps I should assert myself, Charlotte keeps telling me that I should. What good would it do for me? It would merely reinforce the opinion that I try very hard and in vain to fight. I am not a child. I do not act like one. If I did then I would have told people off in the bidding. I didn't. I told Bethany, even after she decided that things I really wanted were her 10s that she could have them, even though I wanted them badly. It doesn't matter and this is what I have learned over and over again in my life. I do not matter. What I think and feel do not matter to the woman who, unfortunately for me, birthed me. I'm not angry at anyone who is likely to read this post...unless I'm being stalked in which case screw you. This is why I don't have contact with people. Why should I have contact with people that only want to control? I don't appreciate that. I'm done. I'm out. I don't matter. This is bullshit all of it.