Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Right now, in my heart, I can't help feeling sad and lonely. I was browsing through my facebook and came across Matt Mach's page. It brought back to me the time when I went down there for his dad's funerul. My heart still hurts inside and I really just want to be down there with them and hold them all. I miss them. They are my family without having any biological ties. I just can't help feeling lonely at being seperated. I loved their dad so much, he was just like a big teddy bear to me. I never ever thought of being intimidated by him, I didn't even know he COULD be intimidating. I miss him so much. I still break down and cry over the fact that whenever I see the Machs, he won't be there. He won't ever again pop up in the foyer at church and grab my hand to drag me off to see the rest of the family. The last time I saw him, he was so sweet talking to me about things, I just never could stop myself from loving this man. I wish so much that they had lived closer so I could have spent more time with him and the rest of the family. I love them all so much. I want to see them this summer, but at the same time, I know it will hurt me inside. I just can't bring myself to believe that he is really gone. He is possibly one of the most neurotic and wonderful men I've ever met. I wanted to go shooting with him, and now I never will be able to. I wish I could... I miss my Boo Boo and I miss Matt. I miss everyone else too, but I feel just keep remembering the funeral, and holding on to Matt and Boo Boo. I felt so close to them both. I felt so useful and there was something about being able to feel like I was bonding with them when we were all hurting. They lost a father and I lost a father figure. I knew he loved me and I knew he loved his children and his wife. I just can't stop mourning in my heart. I want to beleive that when I see the Machs again, he will come sauntering up. I expected it when I got to West Virginia. I knew that this whole thing had to be just an excuse to get me down there. I just knew he could not have died. I kept waiting for the moment when the pain in my heart would go away and I would be able to give him a huge hug and chide everyone for teasing me. The reality of it just hasn't set in. I couldn't face the viewing. Any moment I was waiting for him to jump out of the casket and yell "gotcha" but that never happened. I had to force myself into the room with the casket. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold in my tears, and I couldn't. I cried tears from the bottom of my heart. I felt something bearing down on me that I could only try to release with tears. I also knew that there were others around me that must be hurting far worse than I was, and I knew I needed to be there for them too. I feel right now that if I could just have my Boo Boo come hug me that I'd feel so much better. I miss her so much. She is a true sister to me and I feel like I really could use that now. I hate that I'm away from her and my second family. I felt so at home when I was there. I knew that I was wanted and welcomed there. I got so many hugs and I knew I was so accepted. They just love me. If I could, I would carry them all around with me in my pocket and be able to bring them out...or something like that... I hate feeling seperated from them. My twin is there, and I need her a lot. I wish I could heal all of our hearts.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
I've been having issues recently being able to sleep soundly throughout the night. I have these sometimes odd, but happy dreams like my Gaelen talking or being happy to see me or dreaming of Obama boogying down at a party after showing me his new presidential Blackberry... But more and more I have these dreams that leave me angry. This morning I woke up to punching the window that is next to my bed. Often these dreams revolve around mother or Bethany, often with much yelling in my dreams expressing my hatred towards them, usually of mother. I'm not sure quite what to do. They are interuppting my sleep which I badly need and make me tired all day long. Today I haven't been able to focus on going back to sleep because I keep thinking about my dreams. One of my dreams last night also had me screaming at dad that I hated him, though later in my dream I acknowledged to myself that I did not hate him, but was merely funneling my hatred of my mother towards him. I really want these dreams to stop, but I don't know what to do to make it happen... I'm at the point of wanting to go to a shrink again to help me sort out my issues with mother, but I don't have that kind of money to just throw around, ya know? I mean I have insurance, but I just don't have the money to pay the deductable nor for regular expensive visits to a shrink. I'm just not sure what to do.
Friday, March 6, 2009
So, Tim and I went grocery shopping of sorts today! I actually bought food other than cereal and milk! Amazing isn't it? Of course I can't do this very frequently since I had to put it on a credit card and I just can't be putting all that money on a card... Either way, it was very satisfying to stand in the kitchen and wonder what I wanted to eat. I finally settled on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It was oddly delicious. I don't know how long this will last, but I was having fun. On the other hand, I've been ridiculously exhausted the past couple days, which is really annoying me a lot. I missed classes because of it!! I now have to make up an exam for math since I slept through it. (my class by the way is at noon.) I thought I would collapse on Thursday in my Bio Lab. I'm convinced that was also due to having a misogynistic plant sample >.< Nothing went the way it was supposed to in my lab. I just couldn't concentrate or even focus my eyes well, I was just too exhausted. I've done three papers now for my English class. The first one was about my belief that I have earned my adulthood. Then I just turned in two papers today (which were due Wednesday this week, the day I missed...) I had to analyze the logical fallacies of Governor Jindal's response to Obama's State of the Nation address and then also Obama's address. I found sooo many logical fallacies in Jindal's that it wasn't even funny... Obama's had two in the whole thing...I swear it is because I'm biased, but Tim and I both read through it and tried to find fallacies and just couldn't. I confess that I didn't listen to the whole of Jindal's speech when it was aired because I just couldn't stand the way he delivered it. Fortunately we had excerpts of it. It was much more palateable that way. The other paper I did was looking at the logical fallacies in a chapter of Hitler's Mein Kampf. I couldn't read the whole selection, it just made me too sick. I mean he wasn't discussing killing all the Jews or anything, but he was just going on about how people in different races should not mix and such. You could see his megalomania jump out at you in so much of it that I just couldn't stomach it. Oh well. So far I've gotten B's on the two papers I've turned in, which is less than I would like, but still not bad at all. My psychology class has been amazing! I look forward to that class every tuesday and thursday!! I love my professor, even though most everyone else doesn't seem to care too much. I just have so much fun!! Of course, we haven't gotten to Freud yet, I'm not looking forward to learning about enispay envymay. I have been comforted by the fact that people don't actually pay too much attention to Freud anymore...unless they're poking fun at it. I've done that a lot. I like to tease my friends about how everything is related to phallises (is that a word?) She was telling me while I was driving her around that she had a fear of crashing into trees, so I analyzed it for her :-D Something about fear of running into large phallises...she then said something about it must be a fear of being wrapped around them. Ah me loves the Renee. I got a 98% on my first psychology test :-D I'm actually disappointed that I did that "badly" Yes I am a dork, thank you. I got to be privy to Renee's 11 year old having her first discussion about condoms. I think it went fairly well, she's gotten really used to me being her big sister, and I love that. She got told how she could always go to her mom with questions about these things if she were curious, and that she could go to me also if she didn't feel comfortable going to her mom. I've been getting questions from her 5 year old brother about whether I still love him after he's done something he shouldn't. He seems to worry about losing my love a lot. I try really hard to assure him that I will always love him no matter. I also feel pretty triumphant, since Renee's 3 year old, is now staying clean and dry most of the day because of the system I thought of. She's become really loving towards me. In the beginning when I would come over, she would yell at me not to do something, that she wanted mommy and "not you!!" But she's actually done that to other people when they try to unbuckle her or something and says that she wants me. I feel pretty cool. And my few times of giving her swats on her little tooshie when she hits me have paid off!! The other day in the store, she was having a massive temper tantrum, and I got close to her to explain that she needed to be quiet and sit in the cart properly. I could see her hand go up and she was sooo ready to hit me, but she thought about it for a second and instead brushed her hair with her hand. The next time she thought about it, I was just like, Mia you know you don't really want to do that... I had my hand ready to swat if she did, but I didn't have to do it!! I have won!!! She knows better than to hit me! Of course, I could never ever bring myself to really spank her in the hand burning but searing way, I only give light swats that don't hurt, but get the attention that she can't do that, and I only do it when she hits me. I am convinced I feel worse about it than she does... I nearly cried the first time I did it, because I was afraid of hitting her hard, but everyone was like nope you barely touched her. The youngest, my little Bubby just turned 1. I feel really old... We took him to Red Robin and he got a nice sundae...all over his face. I think they're going to do something with cake this weekend lol. He really seems to love me, and sometimes I'm convinced he really thinks he has two mommies...He seems to not be able to decide which mommy he wants. Sometimes, he'll go from his mom to me and back and forth for ages before settling on one. He screams for me when I leave the room, even when his mom's there. As soon as he sees me he puts his arms up for me to pick him up. I really love that little boy. I just don't want him to get older where I would have to do more than just sit there and love on him. Anyway, this has turned out to be much longer than I meant for it to be, so I'm going to shut my boca for now :-D Have fun everyone!