Wednesday, March 18, 2009


I've been having issues recently being able to sleep soundly throughout the night. I have these sometimes odd, but happy dreams like my Gaelen talking or being happy to see me or dreaming of Obama boogying down at a party after showing me his new presidential Blackberry... But more and more I have these dreams that leave me angry. This morning I woke up to punching the window that is next to my bed. Often these dreams revolve around mother or Bethany, often with much yelling in my dreams expressing my hatred towards them, usually of mother. I'm not sure quite what to do. They are interuppting my sleep which I badly need and make me tired all day long. Today I haven't been able to focus on going back to sleep because I keep thinking about my dreams. One of my dreams last night also had me screaming at dad that I hated him, though later in my dream I acknowledged to myself that I did not hate him, but was merely funneling my hatred of my mother towards him. I really want these dreams to stop, but I don't know what to do to make it happen... I'm at the point of wanting to go to a shrink again to help me sort out my issues with mother, but I don't have that kind of money to just throw around, ya know? I mean I have insurance, but I just don't have the money to pay the deductable nor for regular expensive visits to a shrink. I'm just not sure what to do.

1 comment:

CrouchingOwl said...

Letting go of feelings is a really hard thing to do. I think one of the most liberating things that has happened to me is developing to a point where in large part a lot of things that people do to me or have done to me just don't matter. Having who I am and how I feel become independent of others around me. But then again, I can't really pinpoint all the steps of how I got there. Some of it is just plain old help from above. Part of it is my aspie side is a little emotionally detached from the world and therefore doesn't feel a need to engage with everything bad that happens. I hope you find your path soon, undigested anger is debilitating to live with.

Though I can't retrace every step, I can remember the first step for me was when I reread Isaiah 53 during EFY. Suddenly all the teachings contained in it became real for me and I no longer had the anger towards old classmates or anyone that I used to. Its as if emotionally I got a clean start. As if a reset button got hit. I think that's really what gave me the strength to get through everything. Read it a couple times, it might give you some power.