Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Some thoughts of mine...

Right now, in my heart, I can't help feeling sad and lonely. I was browsing through my facebook and came across Matt Mach's page. It brought back to me the time when I went down there for his dad's funerul. My heart still hurts inside and I really just want to be down there with them and hold them all. I miss them. They are my family without having any biological ties. I just can't help feeling lonely at being seperated. I loved their dad so much, he was just like a big teddy bear to me. I never ever thought of being intimidated by him, I didn't even know he COULD be intimidating. I miss him so much. I still break down and cry over the fact that whenever I see the Machs, he won't be there. He won't ever again pop up in the foyer at church and grab my hand to drag me off to see the rest of the family. The last time I saw him, he was so sweet talking to me about things, I just never could stop myself from loving this man. I wish so much that they had lived closer so I could have spent more time with him and the rest of the family. I love them all so much. I want to see them this summer, but at the same time, I know it will hurt me inside. I just can't bring myself to believe that he is really gone. He is possibly one of the most neurotic and wonderful men I've ever met. I wanted to go shooting with him, and now I never will be able to. I wish I could... I miss my Boo Boo and I miss Matt. I miss everyone else too, but I feel just keep remembering the funeral, and holding on to Matt and Boo Boo. I felt so close to them both. I felt so useful and there was something about being able to feel like I was bonding with them when we were all hurting. They lost a father and I lost a father figure. I knew he loved me and I knew he loved his children and his wife. I just can't stop mourning in my heart. I want to beleive that when I see the Machs again, he will come sauntering up. I expected it when I got to West Virginia. I knew that this whole thing had to be just an excuse to get me down there. I just knew he could not have died. I kept waiting for the moment when the pain in my heart would go away and I would be able to give him a huge hug and chide everyone for teasing me. The reality of it just hasn't set in. I couldn't face the viewing. Any moment I was waiting for him to jump out of the casket and yell "gotcha" but that never happened. I had to force myself into the room with the casket. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold in my tears, and I couldn't. I cried tears from the bottom of my heart. I felt something bearing down on me that I could only try to release with tears. I also knew that there were others around me that must be hurting far worse than I was, and I knew I needed to be there for them too. I feel right now that if I could just have my Boo Boo come hug me that I'd feel so much better. I miss her so much. She is a true sister to me and I feel like I really could use that now. I hate that I'm away from her and my second family. I felt so at home when I was there. I knew that I was wanted and welcomed there. I got so many hugs and I knew I was so accepted. They just love me. If I could, I would carry them all around with me in my pocket and be able to bring them out...or something like that... I hate feeling seperated from them. My twin is there, and I need her a lot. I wish I could heal all of our hearts.

No comments: