Saturday, February 27, 2010


So I'm fairly miserable today. Part of this is because I'm off my meds. I hav been for quite awhile and its awful. I'm sick of not feeling ok. I haven't been able to pay my rent myself for months. This great job I have hasn't been panning out well for me. I'm trying to find a new one. I want a salary so I won't be screwed over when things come up like being out of work for a whole week because of weather. I need to be able to pay my way in life but I haven't been able to at all. I've been driving over 100 miles a day with visits spread like 20 minutes at least apart. It isn't working out. I have to fill up my tank every other day. Its horrible. My last paycheck of $600 went this way. I took out like $240 for a car payment then I had to pay around $130 for past due amounts for my cell bill. Then there was like $50 I can't get refunded because neutrogena sucks and doesn't listen to me that I don't want their skincare regimen. The rest went to filling up my tank and paying for parking at a place I go. I bought fast food MAYBE twice. By yesterday when I got paid I just broke even. And by even I mean nothing in my account.I'd spent the last of the money on the stupid parking. So I got paid yesterday and I got about $480. Yay. I can spend that towards my rent, right? Wrong. Let's see how that plays out shall we? $330 went to more past due cell bill that I had to pay or I couldn't reconnect my cell phone. Then let's see, I also had to account for the almost 35 that hadn't been taken out yet for gas. So I can spend a bit of that on my rent, right? Nooooo because I need $20 for parking at least. More if they decide to turn that visit into a 30 minute one. Then I need enough money to account for having to fill up my stupid tank every other day. And no that is NOT an exagerration. Sadly. So I'm using all the money tim has and some of Shirley's. Nothing says hey you can trust me to rent your townhouse like borrowing money to pay for rent, right? The last thing she needs is another person that she has to support. I'm sick of being a burden on everyone. If I had the guts I'd kill myself, but I don't have the emotional ability to do that. That's sucky to realize that you feel that people would be better off without you around, but its how I feel. Pretty much completely despondent. I know I'm just really depressed. I need to get back on my meds. I need to find a new job. I want a government job. I want a salary and benefits. But the other crappy thing in my life is that I want to go to school. I can't. Even if dad paid for my books and tuition I can't afford to go to school. I still have bills and my rent to worry about that even if I had loans I wouldn't be able to make enough to survive. I just can't do anything I want. And that includes just making rent. Oh and paying people who want to sue me because I haven't paid my credit card bills. I can't afford to do that since rent and cell bills come first. I can't make those bills. I keep getting my cell turned off. They do it more constantly now. I keep telling them to just pay everything, but they won't do it! Its so obnoxious. I want it all to go away. I'm supposed to be moving into Shirley's townhouse. That's supposed to be great, but really how can I when I can't afford a rent that's $200 less? I've been looking for another job, but I haven't heard from anyone. At the point where you spend all your money basically on your job, the job isn't worth it at all. It sucks like crazy. I need to make this work, but I can't. But the jobs I've applied for are government and they take forever to get. I've applied to others but they don't seem to like that I won't work sundays. Seriously people? I give you EVERY other day of the week! What the hell do you people want from me? I really want to scream religious discrimination. But I'm not thinking that would work. I'm not sure what to do. I've cut back on everything. I'm really bummed that I can't even buy anything I just want.I used to spend too much. I'm the first to admit that, but really spending all my money on gas and parking? Not ok. I need a new place to work.

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