Sunday, March 27, 2011

Whence Cometh My Help?

So once again, it has been quite a long time since I posted last. It seems a slight moot point to post (can I use 'moot' that way??) Since anyone seeing this, likely knows what's going on in my life anyways. The world has turned around almost one whole turn since the last anniversary of my birth. I don't like my birthday. I've only had one where I didn't end up miserable. Though even that one had a major disappointment, but by far, my 21st was my favourite. Nothing better than doing milk shots in the back of a pharmacy and drinking your co-workers under the table. Sometimes being a lactaholic has its perks... It looks like my birthday will consist this year of going to work and possibly getting various chunks of flesh nearly ripped off and playing a very disappointing video game during naps. Then I'll head home and probably stop by my local Starbucks and sit and drink my drink. Then head home and feel like passing out. Ah the Gamour!granted the people of Starbucks are all very nice. I'm sitting here now. They almost all know my drink. Slightly pathetic in a sense, but they're fine enough. I really feel like going out and doing something this year. But I don't know anyone that I could go do stuff with. I'm sure I could persuade the people I used to go to high school with to do something, but in all honesty, I don't like them. They're all younger than me, which is fine, or would be if they didn't act as if they were stuck in high school still. Playing around with a giant stuffed penis is fine when you're 14. When you're 21-23? Its pathetic. I generally just ignore their calls and texts. I'm become quite adept at the practice. I doubt they notice much. When I left public school, they rarely ever tried to contact me. Out of sight, out of mind. I have no one here. The person I'm closest to and really can truly call a friend is several states away. I miss my Boo Boo. She's so far away. I feel so alone a lot of the time lately. In a sense, I would rather be alone and have a dull existence than surround myself with people of whom I think little and that don't really care about me. I find that I'm only really around people when they need something. I'm the useful person that helps with everyone's problems, but that no one really thinks of much beyond that. Its a bit sad, but its what I've seen. Perhaps I should go on being duped and having people around me, but I don't see the point. I have little patience with people that I don't care about and that is the vast majority of the people that I am around. They don't ever realize that I don't like them. I'm good at hiding my feelings. A bit too good at it. Oddly enough one of the signs of being self-actualized is having few friends, essentially. Thank you Abraham Maslow for that bit of validation. Hey I'm lonely, but I'm self-actualized! Huzzah!!! I'm actually rarely lonely, just alone. I don't even have little furry things around me anymore. I should miss them more than I do. I'm so used to giving up pets that its just another one. I feel so numb and dead inside sometimes. I often know what my feelings are, but I refuse to feel them. I block them out. Its a coping mechanism and a very effective one. I'm so adept at these mechanisms. I suppose I ought to be by now. I've had a lifetime of practice and now at least I can analyze myself and figure out what is going on. I'm such a good self-therapist. If only everyone were so good, the therapists of the world would be out of business! I do need therapy at some point because there are some things I'm simply not able to deal with on my own. One day, perhaps. Until then. I will continue to just hope the feelings pass and just lapse into survival mode frequently. I've been in varying stages of survival mode for over a month now. I'm tired of it. I wish sometimes that I had never met Tim. If I hadn't, perhaps I wouldn't have been in the position that I am now emotionally. A lot of 'what ifs' I haven't gotten around to writing him his letter tearing him apart. I need to get around to doing it, but its going to cost me a lot emotionally. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that quite yet. I'll also have to fiund a way to disguise my writing since I'm mailing it to hi.m. It would be a shame if I wrote a long letter berating him and tellng him what a terrible person and boyfriend he was if he isn't going to read it. I plan to keep a copy though like I did with shirley's. I'm so disgusted when I think of my time with him. I wish I'd never dated him. He makes me sick to my stomach. Perhaps I'm being too harsh, but its how I feel. I see no reason to hide it. I've been good and not given in to my evil urges to damage the car... I'm a good girl, I am... I also didn't flip off Shirley when I saw her....but she also didn't see me...maybe? I saw Tim's sister yesterday and contented myself with just looking archly at her. I thought of asking how her famiy was, but I didn't. She didn't say anything to me, but I didn't expect it. I'm sure she told everyone she saw me though. Good. I'm not hiding. I'm so angry with them all. Except Brian. I pity him. He gets no support from his family.

I wish I had more support at times. I feel so very alone. I don't understand why my life is the way that it is. I've always tried to be the best person I know how to be. I help people, often when I don't like them or don't want to. Its who I am and that doesn't change. Why must I be alone and without anyone? I feel as if I deserve it. I've done nothing to deserve so many things that have gone wrong in my life. Why don't I have the good things in life that I want? Why can't I have what I need? I don't understand. It isn't a 'why me?' Concept, but a longing for more and not understanding why I don't have it when I've done nothing to deserve otherwise. Perhaps I'm damaged goods. I've thought of that. According to my father's reckoning of tim, I must be. If tim is damaged goods, I must be a wrecked packaged. Mangled flesh. My consolation is found in going on long walks and blocking out my thoughts which flow too freely. I can't wait until I start school again. I need to have my brain occupied in something. I need to be learning and doing. I feel so stagnant.

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