Friday, December 17, 2010

So Tim and I are over. You already know that. Before it happened I had a lot of heavy thinking I needed to do. I made the right choice and I'm not at all sorry. I feel it was the right choice and the only choice, in fact. Since the break-up, I've had a lot of things occur to me and I'm feeling in a communicative way. I need to get my thoughts and feelings out, I suppose and this is as good a way as any. :) I always thought Tim and I had the perfect relationship. I thought no one could ever be as happy as the two of us were. Somehow it had happened to me, I'd stumbled onto that one person who would make you feel complete. I was wrong. Tim and I had many problems. I don't blame him for the break-up or myself. I know he blames me, among others. I can live with that. Without even trying, all of these issues from the last five and more years have started to wash over me. Its been a very strange experience. I'm very good at repressing my feelings and this is probably a good example of that. I'm very detached and unemotional about this. Apparently that's unhealthy...I agree.

The first issue that I realized was communication. There was a complete lack of it. Tim wasn't able to open up about any aspect of his life outside of his time with me. I didn't know anything about what went on at school, when he was withdrawing from it or when he had to change majors. None of that I found out from him... I always found out from his mother. I brought that specific issue up several times, but it always ended up with him crying and telling me he told me the important things. I hated seeing him cry. I would melt and not pursue it. That would have been my mistake. To be honest I'm not sure that this was an issue we could have solved. I told him I probably wasn't going to stay with him about a week before I broke it off. He tried to be more communicative, but it was a lot of the same. He texted me more and that was about it. He said more about things that happened in his day, but not much at all and not what I needed. The most open and honest discussion we had in over five years is when we were in the process of breaking up. But then he seemed to be saying whatever he needed to say to make me stay. Some of the things he said were complete opposites of what he had always said, even from a week or so before. Things don't change that quickly. He kept so many things from me. More than just school. His whole life was a mystery to me. His feelings were. I found out that he was atheist/agnostic only a few months ago, and we had discussed religion. He didn't want to tell me because he was afraid I would leave him. I feel like that is something you tell someone even if just to be sharing a feeling. He never told me when he was upset about something. I would be able to tell he was upset and would ask if he was ok and he would say yes I'm fine but I knew better. I would say are you sure? Yes. Are you lying? No. And so I let it go. Those are things you should share with your partner. But we weren't partners. At least not equal ones. He often treated me like a child. What most recently stuck out is he told me I couldn't have wind shield washer fluid for the car because I went through it too fast. We had snow here yesterday and driving home from work last night I couldn't see well out of the windshield because of the salty snow. I could have crashed because he told me I couldn't have it. Made me a little angry last night. That and a snow plow plowing and the snow knocking into me as I drove on the highway.... But Tim didn't have anything to do with that. That wasn't the only instance and yes it sounds a little controlling. I could have bought it myself but it was summer and there wasn't a huge need for it. When Grandpa was in the hospital, I was freaking out and my boss let me leave early. The first thing Tim said was, did you remember to thank her? Make sure to thank her again! As if I wasn't aware that proper social customs say to thank your boss for being awesome...... I had also gotten my car towed a while ago and my friend paid for it to get out because I was broke. Tim told me first off that I did know I had to pay him back right away...right? Once again...really? I'm supposed to do that? I didn't know!!! Bah! He always made it fairly plain that I was not as mature as he is. Given recent events, I'm inclined to vehemently disagree. He and his mother have not been acting in a mature manner by any means.
I feel that from almost the very beginning of the relationship, I had a lack of sufficient support. When I was going through everything before I got kicked out, he never tried to understand why I was doing what I was, or not, as the case was. I explained to him, but he just said I should suck it up. I don't feel like that was the best choice for me, but he disagreed. I didn't really have any choice to be honest. And I took what came to me. I sense he blamed me for the kick-out and in a sense that's true. If I had just allowed myself to be a door mat one more time, maybe I would still be living there... But I would not have progressed any. I have times when I am depressed or dealing with very difficult issues and I have had times when I have broken down. After the first time, over five years ago, he reacted the same way. With a "why don't you just get over this?!" Feeling. He didn't really feel like listening to me when things like my difficulties with my mother bubbled to the surface. He had heard it before so why wasn't I done already? Not good.

It seems that the only thing keeping the relationship moving forward, was me. I had to push so hard for things to happen. There was no natural flow to our relationship. I made the engagement happen. The buying of the ring, the proposal, everything. And even after that I had to make him tell his family. He said just wear the ring, let them think what they want. We still never told his dad. If I mentioned that, I was nagging. I was trying to plan a wedding. He just said he would get around to it. For months. One of my friends had to give him a lecture about being an adult and acting like one and that he was in a relationship now so its what the other person thinks that matters, more than his parents, and still he couldn't be a man. It helped because maybe its right if someone outside the relationship says it... I feel like I stopped loving him years ago but I clung to him because I thought that was it. There couldn't be anyone better. All I did was finally let go. I think that's why as soon as I made my decision to leave him, I suddenly didn't have any feelings. All I did was stop trying. I packed up all the things of his I had and felt nothing. It was annoying to dig through stuff, but that is all I felt. Today I remembered that when we first started dating I couldn't shake the feeling that we only had a short time. I should have remembered that. I feel like I almost wasted five years. I don't think that's true, because now I know what to look for in future relationships. Its good to be able to see what truly went wrong.

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