Monday, June 9, 2014


I feel rather frustrated. I've been shuffled from one agency to another and I still haven't found any actual help. Firstly, I was sent to an agency who provided names of therapists who were either way too expensive for me ($190/hour?!) or I didn't technically qualify because I wasn't a current victim of abuse. Then they sent me to a different organization who then sent me to another because, once again, I wasn't a current victim. Then they sent me to a place that gave me a bunch of other therapist names. I have to give them a call and see if they're taking any patients. I feel drained. Every time I contact any of these people, I have to go back over my past and it's really a stressor for me. I have so much going on and it feels like trying to find help is just making things more difficult for me sometimes. I would still have to find a way to work the potential therapy around my work schedule, which could prove problematic. I don't know if any of these people offer evening hours. I know my therapist growing up did, but I don't think that's actually very typical. Especially if they're willing to work for free or on a sliding scale.

I haven't been to the gym or worked out in weeks. I'm more exhausted than usual, which is concerning to me. I'm always tired, but this has been more so than usual. I think I'm depressed and stressed. I don't know how to fix that, but I'm frustrated. I finally got up the energy to make dinner yesterday and do the dishes afterwards, which was a lot for me. I know the only reason I was able to do that was because I went out and got Starbucks, though. I spent my Saturday sleeping. I was awake for only a few hours. I know that I was drained from going out of town last week. I was hoping that sleeping so much would have helped me this week. I think it did a little bit, but not a lot. I wanted to wake up earlier than usual and at least put on some makeup so I felt more put together, but that didn't happen. I didn't go back to sleep, which was progress, but I also didn't have the energy to get up and move. I want to say that I'll be able to go to the gym tonight, but I doubt I'll be able to. In theory, going to work out would be good for em and my mood, but at the same time, I can't get the energy up to do it.

The other issue with working out is that sometimes when I'm on the treadmill, I sometimes get bad flashbacks. Sometimes the emotions I'm trying very hard not to deal with can bubble up and it overwhelms me. I don't like that, but I do love my cardio. It's like being able to go for a nice walk without the weather. I like the feeling of pushing my body on the treadmill, but I also don't like the chances of having flashbacks or dealing with things that I would rather not have to face, especially in such a public environment.

I remember after Grandpa Sisson died and I was dealing with so much at "home" and work and then with his dying suddenly, I had to hop off the treadmill because I was about to burst into tears. Or I would ask Jimmy to show me how to use the heavy bag and then when he started, I just had to run away before I started crying. The gym and all the elements there are both calming to me and tend to bring up emotions I just don't want to deal with. In a way, it's a good thing I can't manage to get up the energy for it.

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