The past few days have been pretty crazy around the office and that's actually when I do most of my writing (despite having a laptop at home....).
I did the intake and they passed me on to another organization that they said was free. The only problem is that the program is only for *current* victims of abuse. They said I do clearly need some help and they gave me the names of some other programs or therapists who bill on a sliding scale. That concerns me as well because they'll see my income and wonder why I can't just pay the whole fee. Because I make sooo much money... Yes, I'm a bit bitter about that. I'm going to try to give these places a call today if I have the chance and hope that I can finally get some help.
Marcia came over to me today and asked if I was doing OK. I thought she had heard my conversation with the last person who called me. She said she hadn't, but she knew I was upset and she had thought it was maybe just because the office has been so crazy. I tried to tell her I was OK and she just gave me a look. I told her that I was dealing with issues from growing up and my parents. She thought it was that I miss them or that they'd been calling me. I clarified that it was just emotions coming up that were from the craziness of growing up. She told me that I handle everything beautifully and questioned if I was having issues with the Paxil I'm on since I had mentioned today that I take it. Her mother is on it and recently stopped cold turkey, so I brought it up.
I felt strange mentioning it to Marcia because I know that she has enough on her plate as it is. She still worries about Bill's cancer. She's worried about the business and about her mom. She confided that her dad used to beat her and I said I know what that's like because my mother used to beat me. So, she knew there were some issues and I didn't feel the need to go into more detail that would just make her more concerned about me. I don't want anyone worrying about me because in comparison to a lot of the times in my life, I'm handling things well. I'm not going off the rails, I'm still mostly functional at work and I haven't been deeply depressed. At least not in comparison with other times. I am still depressed and more so than I should be since I'm on the Paxil. My function at work is suffering. I'm not as active or proactive as I should be and yesterday I was a mess. Granted, it was insanely busy and hectic here, but usually I don't crack under that pressure and I did yesterday.