Thursday, November 27, 2008

Thanksgiving, Random thoughts of mine...etc

Soooo, Justin brought it to my attention that I've been remiss in my blogging. I apologize profusely to...the two of you :-) I've been doing some thinking lately, and I feel I need to get it out somewhere, and this may as well do, so I guess you guys will just have to hear it.

The first thing I'm thinking about is I just found out that Gary is engaged. I was fairly surprised to hear it, since he just got back from his mission less than a month ago. I'm not really surprised at all, but its a weird thing for me. I mean this was the guy I thought (naively but give me a break, I was young.) I allowed myself to believe that, partly from urgings from my mother that she thought I would marry him. This combined with Gary's promises of marriage. I wish none of it had ever happened, since it put me through a lot of heartache later on after he dumped my heart on the ground. Since then I had the chance to meet a wonderful man that treats me the way that Gary should have. Tim would never hurt me. He was amazing enough to stop that hurting in my heart and heal it. I feel vindicated, since I was able to look at Gary, and say no I won't go back to you. That for me was very empowering, I was able to face the option of "could have been" and I was able to realize that I had made the better, though more controversial, decision. I also feel as if, after I rejected Gary, he ran for the nearest female, turning to someone that I assume was in his mission, since she's from that area... I have very mixed feelings about this. To me, if you go on a mission, you should be focused on the work that you are doing, and for goodness sakes follow the mission rules you agreed to!!! He certainly didn't follow those rules, and that just bothers me.

At any rate, enough of those thoughts :-D I've been thinking about how far I've come in my life. Things at the moment with my job are not so good to say the least. I'm facing a lot of people who want me fired. I'm not really comfortable there at all. I'm at the point where I'm thinking I might like to do things that are more officey. I'm tired of having to be on my feet all the time. With my lovely infectious mononeucleosis that I'm so lucky to have been dealing with for the past 2 months, its just not any fun. I mean I feel like I just need to do a little bit more than I am doing now. I mean I just am renting a room, and I'm strapped for cash all the time. I want something with good benefits and a lot more income...I mean my store manager and the pharmacy district superviser want me fired for no really good reason. The Store manager, I just can't figure out what his deal with me is. He's only really saying that I've changed, and he's telling me to watch my back. It certainly seems that he's just waiting for an excuse to fire me. The District pharmacy superviser has it out for me, because the last pharmacist we had, was fairly incompetant, which I have a fairly low tolerance for. She was at best, the embodiment of what people mock blondes for. We just didn't get along since, oh I don't know, I actually wanted WORK DONE!!! I still have a lot of anger about that. Unfortunately, Laura (bad pharmacist) was really buddy buddy with Stephanie (Superviser) and so now Stephanie hates me because of that whole thing. It also doesn't help that Stephanie hates Mina, who is my favourite pharmacist. She wants to get Mina to quit, and she knows Mina and I are close, so she's hoping to acheive both goals by firing me, which would get rid of me and make it more likely that Mina would want to quit. Its just really stressful at the moment. I dread going to work, partly because I haven't actually regained any of my strength from Mono at all. I mean I feel as if its still active sometimes. The fever that came with it still hasn't left. I still get them every day or so.

BAH!!! This was not what I intended my post to be! I should never post when I'm tired!!! I guess since its in my title, I should talk about my Thanksgiving. I started off pretty awesome by going over to my friend/adopted sister Renee's house. I chilled out there and wore myself out by playing with her adorable baby boy Gaelen. He's an amazing little guy. It's weird because besides the whole birth and labour thing, I feel like he's mine. All of her kids kinda feel like my adopted kids, but I settle for nieces and nephews. Gaelen is the one that has my heart all wrapped around his little finger though...Of course he returned all that love by spitting up ALMOST in my face. Of course I was holding him above me, so I was kinda asking for it... I played Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: Ring of Fates, which seems really cute, and pining over The Last Remnant, which just looks gorgeous!!! Then around 2:30, Tim and his mom came to pick me up, and I had an awesome dinner, complete with Oyster Stuffing (yes I ate it and LOVED IT!!! surprised?) It was an amaazing time. I love his mom and being at her house for the holidays. I feel part of the family, and I noticed that her mother, who came up for a week or so, has gotten more comfortable around me, to the point where she was teasing me about my palate. I was having a blast. Of course then we had to go to Shirley's (Tim's mom) friend Debra's house for their dinner, which wasn't the most fun, since I'm not a big Joiner. Tim and I sat by ourselves for a lot of it and just talked, which was fun too. Then we went to Tims Dad, Martin's house, which sucked. We sat there while Martin and Grandma Kelly watched Click, which I just thought was stupid. Tim and I played a computer game and got jabbed at when we left, with a "Thanks for the 30 minutes" from his dad. We'd been there almost 2 hours!!!! cuz he was totally paying attention -.- At any rate, it was all in all a pretty good Turkey Day. I am grateful for a lot of things this year. Most of all, of course, I'm glad I have Tim, who has saved me and my heart forever, and that I'm glad to be planning to spend forever with. I'm also glad to have some siblings that seem to have an interest in maintaining some connection with me. I really am grateful for that. I'm grateful to have gained some sense of self-respect. I'm learning to deal with the crap that my mother has put my psyche through and to accept certain basic things about myself. I can now look in the mirror and tell myself that I look beautiful. I love knowing that. I know that I am beautiful on the inside also, which is important to me. I've been able to understand a lot about my past self. There were many things that I never could make sense of, and now for once I can begin to understand myself. I'm grateful that I have adopted a family, that I feel accepted completely by. They know me, and my secrets, and they just love me. Its amazing. I've gained an older brother and a little brother. I've gained 2 nieces and 2 nephews to my biological ones that I have very little relation with. I've been learning to drive, which has heightened my sense of self-worth. I feel that I really AM responsible. A woman who barely lets her husband drive with her children in the car because she's so afraid of them crashing, lets me drive with them all in the van. She's even agreed that I'm almost key-worthy, meaning that she's almost ready to give me a key to the van. My life is generally going the direction I want it to be, and I'm so grateful that I've been able to overcome my childhood as a confident, mature woman. I'm ready to take on the rest of life, bring what may. I won't be held back anymore, I will take control and nothing is going to stop me from going where I want in life.


CrouchingOwl said...

Love you Brianna, good luck with work.

Bonnie Jean said...

It's great having a friend that you really feel at home with, isn't it?


I'm so grateful that I've been able to overcome my childhood as a confident, mature woman. I'm ready to take on the rest of life, bring what may. I won't be held back anymore, I will take control and nothing is going to stop me from going where I want in life.

You go girl- make it happen! :D