Monday, June 20, 2011

Thoughts and Reflection

First off, I got home to a very potentially exciting letter-from the Jury Commissioner. I'm fairly certain I'm one of very few people that doesn't groan with irritation at the mere idea of being summoned to jury duty. I think it would be an interesting experience at the very least. I understand that, in general, you don't get to deal with terribly interesting cases, but I still feel that it would be an incredibly fascinating experience being able to participate in the judicial system in some tangible way. I've not been selected for duty, just consideration to serve. I really would love to be able to serve on a jury, but I'm a nerd. I should also probably be reading the legal opinion I was gifted with, which has been incredibly fascinating to read. I'm about half-way through it.

Instead of doing that, I'm sitting here in the kitchen, typing out a blog with nails that are far too long to be functional in such a capacity (I should trim them...but I never have long nails!) I should also be eating my dinner and finding something to eat for lunch tomorrow, or going on a long evening walk because its rather nice weather outside and the longest day of the year. Strange realizations happen at work-not always good ones. I was talking to Boo Boo today, and she made some wise crack that I will not repeat due to the rather offensive nature, though I thought it was pretty funny. Tim would never wear chapstick because he thought it was too effeminate and he was incredibly sensitive about anything that could be construed as such. His father is gay, so possibly that has something to do with it. Steph made a smart-ass remark about something, implying jokingly that he was gay or at least a cross-dresser. Then it struck me that Tim once said he did wonder at one point in his life if he was gay. Having a father that is made him wonder and that, combined with a certain variety of dreams concerning homoerotic behaviour made him question himself and since he didn't seem to be interested in females. Combine that with a sense that he was always very...restrained and his incredible sensitivity to the gay issue when applied to him, now makes me wonder if he is gay. Having been with him for five years, I can honestly say I would not be the slightest bit surprised if he were. At the very least, I am highly suspicious that he is bi-sexual. There was always something that was lacking in the physical arena and there was only once that he ever displayed anything approaching passion, and that would be an absolutely disgusting analogy. Control is not passion, and being able to show such control over a much weaker individual is nothing to be proud of. After being slightly dumb-founded for a little bit over the realization that my ex-fiance likely was gay, or at least could quite possibly be so, and knowing that if he were, he still would have married me and I never would have known unless he decided to come out of the closet at some point after we married and probably had children, I started to think. This usually isn't a good idea for me.

I have a lot of regrets about my relationship with Tim, if one can call such a thing a relationship. In reality, it wasn't much of one, I think of it as a farce. In reality, the relationship lasted so long because I willed it so. I gave it everything I had and more. I tried so hard to work things out in a productive manner. I failed, but I failed because I didn't have an equal partner in these efforts. I've since realized that I wasn't the problem. That sounds harsh, but when trying the same methods in different situations, things were actually able to be resolved. All it took was someone who is able to communicate in a calm logical manner, when needed. I thrive on that. Yet I was always labeled as the "emotional" one and Tim was always the superior logical being.

Tim and I had so many issues. I never trusted him. I never had that much reason to, in fact, I was given multiple reasons why I shouldn't have trusted him, yet he always wondered why I didn't. Well, if you lie to me-if you purposely neglect to tell me information that you had promised to tell me, then I ask you point-blank about it, and you tell me, I'm not going to trust you. If you lead me to believe something, and I discover accidentally that it isn't true, I'm going to have a very difficult time trusting you (really? you "forgot" that you used to mess around with your cousin...just a few years back...really?? I call bullshit) If you purposely do not tell me about things because you think I'm going to leave you, (a) that is a reason TO tell me! (b) what the hell are you thinking not telling me and just going through your life lying about it?? That speaks volumes about the person I was planning to marry.

I nearly left him many times. I can't even count the number of times through the five years that I handed him a ring back-either his class ring or the engagement ring. Some of the times, I felt like I was messing everything up and wasn't able to have a healthy relationship at all and was saving him, by attempting to leave. After we were engaged, for the most part, I had stopped. I had made my decision and I was sticking to it. I fooled everyone. Tim and I were the "perfect" couple. I never told anyone the problems I was having with him. My best friend, and sister didn't even know. She had no clue before I dropped the bombshell of what was the pre-break-up events. I'm hoping I didn't shorten her life-span with that... I'm pretty sure that if I had told anyone anything about our relationship and Tim found out, he would have been very upset. When I did tell anyone anything, he wasn't happy about it at all. That didn't just include problems. In general, I feel that relationship issues shouldn't be spread around. You deal with it within a relationship. I should have told Steph. People were telling me to leave him, but when those people have obvious ulterior motives for wanting you single, you just don't tend to listen. I mean honestly, "break up with him so I can be with you!!" just doesn't cut it in my book. Would I have left Tim if I had said anything? Maybe, I don't know. I think it would have at least forced me to look at the issues a little more closely. When things came up, I tried to discuss them with him, and the upshot was that he would say, "I'll try" I bought it. Then I forgot about it until it came up again. I just let things happen, in a sense. I wanted to know what he was doing in school. I didn't like sitting and having dinner with his mom and having her ask me how he did on a test I didn't know he even had. That makes me look amazing! I always felt so left out. He would say he told me the important things. I'm not really quite sure what he felt was important, because he never told me much of anything. He wouldn't even tell me about podcasts he listened to. He said he didn't think of school as important, so he wouldn't tell me. So school isn't important, even though it has a direct impact on our planned lives together. Something as mundane as a podcast isn't important, or more like he wouldn't tell me about it because he didn't think I would like it, or would be offended. Had he ever met me? I don't actually offend that easily. So, what WAS important? I don't honestly know. I found out so much from his mother that I should have found out from him. I got the sense that I was a very unimportant member of his life-despite his claims to the contrary. I never came first, ever. I'm not saying abandon your family obligations for me, but I am saying that if I need you because I'm having some sort of crisis, at the very least ASK your mother if you can have a ride over to help your poor stupid suicidal fiancee without having her nearly kill herself. Just sayin... At the point where I'm actually on the phone with him and say "fuck you, timothy" and hang up on him because he wasn't trying to help when he lived a 3 minute drive away....instead I had to drive over and pick him up when I should never have been anywhere nearer the driver seat than the passenger seat... Just one example, but fairly indicative of the state of things. Or knowing that his mother was in the wrong, and telling me so, and apparently telling her so in private, never backing me up in front of her. Seriously, go marry her already, because that was just the tip of the Oedipus Iceberg.

But this wasn't meant to be a venting of every issue he and I had. Before everything came to a head, I remember standing in the kitchen with him and having his mother call me and ask how he was doing. I told her he seemed fine, why? she said oh, even with having to change majors? Gee I look soo informed. "oh, I didn't know about that, he didn't tell me..." That night, I was so incredibly frustrated. All I could say was how could you not tell me? Telling me that the counselor said to call your parents to ask for advice about what major to pick, so you called mommy, doesn't cut it. I was marrying him. All I could think was how we were ever going to make it. I honestly don't remember if things had already started and I was in the middle of the back and forth emotional roller coaster that the pre-break-up was, or not. I don't think it had started yet. I remember that he had no idea why I was so upset. I remember beating on his chest out of sheer frustration and feeling that I was talking at a brick wall...with spikes...and beating my head against it...hard. I was so close to leaving him that night. I remember staring at my engagement ring and wanting to give it back, but not wanting to give up the idea of being married, I think. I had worked too hard to get to that point, I wasn't going to stop then. That was a mistake, and one I hope I never make ever again. I truly believe that I stopped loving him a long time before all this. I got through on habit and sheer force of will. I forced it all to happen. Mea culpa.

There is one thing I will never forget, and I never want to forget. The moment I knew that I couldn't be with Tim anymore is one I will never forget. It changed my life and at the moment, I was incredibly happy. The moment was two-fold. On one hand, my mind-set switched from an "if" or a "when scenario. The moment I realized that, everything I ever felt for Tim was gone. My heart was so incredibly full and I was content. The logistical aspect of making sure I was sure and that it wasn't some random whim eventually set in, and that wasn't quite as fun and had consequences that I'm not over yet. But in that one moment, I knew peace and tranquility and happiness. I've been through so much since then. More than I ever want to experience ever again. Many things that have left deep wounds that will need time and care to heal. Despite that, I've reached a good point in my life-an amazing point. I've become the person I used to be before I used tim and his mother as my crutches. I'm an independent woman, and I love that feeling. I know who I am. I know what I am. I am strong, I am a survivor. I can make it I'm, not on my meds, yet for the most part, I feel the way I did when I was taking them. It boggles my mind. I'm living a life that is wonderfully stress-free. On top of that lack of stress, I'm happy. I'm finally happy. My life sparkles most days. It doesn't sparkle because of anything that's forced, but because I just can't make it NOT sparkle. I'm actually happy most days. Of course there are days when I get grumpy. But I always get a message that makes me smile like a moron while I'm walking down the street attempting to put on grumpy face so people leave me alone. I love it. I love the person that I am, without the sparkle. I wasn't always happy before my sparkle came, but I respected myself and I was very proud of the person I'm becoming. But my life has a new dimension and I just can't help being in a wonderful mood.

Now I'm going to eat my dinner and go read legal stuff and be a nerd :)

No comments: