Some thoughts of mine...

Right now, in my heart, I can't help feeling sad and lonely. I was browsing through my facebook and came across Matt Mach's page. It brought back to me the time when I went down there for his dad's funerul. My heart still hurts inside and I really just want to be down there with them and hold them all. I miss them. They are my family without having any biological ties. I just can't help feeling lonely at being seperated. I loved their dad so much, he was just like a big teddy bear to me. I never ever thought of being intimidated by him, I didn't even know he COULD be intimidating. I miss him so much. I still break down and cry over the fact that whenever I see the Machs, he won't be there. He won't ever again pop up in the foyer at church and grab my hand to drag me off to see the rest of the family. The last time I saw him, he was so sweet talking to me about things, I just never could stop myself from loving this man. I wish so much that they had lived closer so I could have spent more time with him and the rest of the family. I love them all so much. I want to see them this summer, but at the same time, I know it will hurt me inside. I just can't bring myself to believe that he is really gone. He is possibly one of the most neurotic and wonderful men I've ever met. I wanted to go shooting with him, and now I never will be able to. I wish I could... I miss my Boo Boo and I miss Matt. I miss everyone else too, but I feel just keep remembering the funeral, and holding on to Matt and Boo Boo. I felt so close to them both. I felt so useful and there was something about being able to feel like I was bonding with them when we were all hurting. They lost a father and I lost a father figure. I knew he loved me and I knew he loved his children and his wife. I just can't stop mourning in my heart. I want to beleive that when I see the Machs again, he will come sauntering up. I expected it when I got to West Virginia. I knew that this whole thing had to be just an excuse to get me down there. I just knew he could not have died. I kept waiting for the moment when the pain in my heart would go away and I would be able to give him a huge hug and chide everyone for teasing me. The reality of it just hasn't set in. I couldn't face the viewing. Any moment I was waiting for him to jump out of the casket and yell "gotcha" but that never happened. I had to force myself into the room with the casket. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold in my tears, and I couldn't. I cried tears from the bottom of my heart. I felt something bearing down on me that I could only try to release with tears. I also knew that there were others around me that must be hurting far worse than I was, and I knew I needed to be there for them too. I feel right now that if I could just have my Boo Boo come hug me that I'd feel so much better. I miss her so much. She is a true sister to me and I feel like I really could use that now. I hate that I'm away from her and my second family. I felt so at home when I was there. I knew that I was wanted and welcomed there. I got so many hugs and I knew I was so accepted. They just love me. If I could, I would carry them all around with me in my pocket and be able to bring them out...or something like that... I hate feeling seperated from them. My twin is there, and I need her a lot. I wish I could heal all of our hearts.

My blog in a whole new way!!!

Yeah so I found my webcam..........this is what happens....




My profuse apologies :-D

Frustrations...

I've been having issues recently being able to sleep soundly throughout the night. I have these sometimes odd, but happy dreams like my Gaelen talking or being happy to see me or dreaming of Obama boogying down at a party after showing me his new presidential Blackberry... But more and more I have these dreams that leave me angry. This morning I woke up to punching the window that is next to my bed. Often these dreams revolve around mother or Bethany, often with much yelling in my dreams expressing my hatred towards them, usually of mother. I'm not sure quite what to do. They are interuppting my sleep which I badly need and make me tired all day long. Today I haven't been able to focus on going back to sleep because I keep thinking about my dreams. One of my dreams last night also had me screaming at dad that I hated him, though later in my dream I acknowledged to myself that I did not hate him, but was merely funneling my hatred of my mother towards him. I really want these dreams to stop, but I don't know what to do to make it happen... I'm at the point of wanting to go to a shrink again to help me sort out my issues with mother, but I don't have that kind of money to just throw around, ya know? I mean I have insurance, but I just don't have the money to pay the deductable nor for regular expensive visits to a shrink. I'm just not sure what to do.

Life.

So, Tim and I went grocery shopping of sorts today! I actually bought food other than cereal and milk! Amazing isn't it? Of course I can't do this very frequently since I had to put it on a credit card and I just can't be putting all that money on a card... Either way, it was very satisfying to stand in the kitchen and wonder what I wanted to eat. I finally settled on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It was oddly delicious. I don't know how long this will last, but I was having fun. On the other hand, I've been ridiculously exhausted the past couple days, which is really annoying me a lot. I missed classes because of it!! I now have to make up an exam for math since I slept through it. (my class by the way is at noon.) I thought I would collapse on Thursday in my Bio Lab. I'm convinced that was also due to having a misogynistic plant sample >.< Nothing went the way it was supposed to in my lab. I just couldn't concentrate or even focus my eyes well, I was just too exhausted. I've done three papers now for my English class. The first one was about my belief that I have earned my adulthood. Then I just turned in two papers today (which were due Wednesday this week, the day I missed...) I had to analyze the logical fallacies of Governor Jindal's response to Obama's State of the Nation address and then also Obama's address. I found sooo many logical fallacies in Jindal's that it wasn't even funny... Obama's had two in the whole thing...I swear it is because I'm biased, but Tim and I both read through it and tried to find fallacies and just couldn't. I confess that I didn't listen to the whole of Jindal's speech when it was aired because I just couldn't stand the way he delivered it. Fortunately we had excerpts of it. It was much more palateable that way. The other paper I did was looking at the logical fallacies in a chapter of Hitler's Mein Kampf. I couldn't read the whole selection, it just made me too sick. I mean he wasn't discussing killing all the Jews or anything, but he was just going on about how people in different races should not mix and such. You could see his megalomania jump out at you in so much of it that I just couldn't stomach it. Oh well. So far I've gotten B's on the two papers I've turned in, which is less than I would like, but still not bad at all. My psychology class has been amazing! I look forward to that class every tuesday and thursday!! I love my professor, even though most everyone else doesn't seem to care too much. I just have so much fun!! Of course, we haven't gotten to Freud yet, I'm not looking forward to learning about enispay envymay. I have been comforted by the fact that people don't actually pay too much attention to Freud anymore...unless they're poking fun at it. I've done that a lot. I like to tease my friends about how everything is related to phallises (is that a word?) She was telling me while I was driving her around that she had a fear of crashing into trees, so I analyzed it for her :-D Something about fear of running into large phallises...she then said something about it must be a fear of being wrapped around them. Ah me loves the Renee. I got a 98% on my first psychology test :-D I'm actually disappointed that I did that "badly" Yes I am a dork, thank you. I got to be privy to Renee's 11 year old having her first discussion about condoms. I think it went fairly well, she's gotten really used to me being her big sister, and I love that. She got told how she could always go to her mom with questions about these things if she were curious, and that she could go to me also if she didn't feel comfortable going to her mom. I've been getting questions from her 5 year old brother about whether I still love him after he's done something he shouldn't. He seems to worry about losing my love a lot. I try really hard to assure him that I will always love him no matter. I also feel pretty triumphant, since Renee's 3 year old, is now staying clean and dry most of the day because of the system I thought of. She's become really loving towards me. In the beginning when I would come over, she would yell at me not to do something, that she wanted mommy and "not you!!" But she's actually done that to other people when they try to unbuckle her or something and says that she wants me. I feel pretty cool. And my few times of giving her swats on her little tooshie when she hits me have paid off!! The other day in the store, she was having a massive temper tantrum, and I got close to her to explain that she needed to be quiet and sit in the cart properly. I could see her hand go up and she was sooo ready to hit me, but she thought about it for a second and instead brushed her hair with her hand. The next time she thought about it, I was just like, Mia you know you don't really want to do that... I had my hand ready to swat if she did, but I didn't have to do it!! I have won!!! She knows better than to hit me! Of course, I could never ever bring myself to really spank her in the hand burning but searing way, I only give light swats that don't hurt, but get the attention that she can't do that, and I only do it when she hits me. I am convinced I feel worse about it than she does... I nearly cried the first time I did it, because I was afraid of hitting her hard, but everyone was like nope you barely touched her. The youngest, my little Bubby just turned 1. I feel really old... We took him to Red Robin and he got a nice sundae...all over his face. I think they're going to do something with cake this weekend lol. He really seems to love me, and sometimes I'm convinced he really thinks he has two mommies...He seems to not be able to decide which mommy he wants. Sometimes, he'll go from his mom to me and back and forth for ages before settling on one. He screams for me when I leave the room, even when his mom's there. As soon as he sees me he puts his arms up for me to pick him up. I really love that little boy. I just don't want him to get older where I would have to do more than just sit there and love on him. Anyway, this has turned out to be much longer than I meant for it to be, so I'm going to shut my boca for now :-D Have fun everyone!

Not really in a happy mood...

So Grandma Mary is dying. I really really would love to be out in Arizona right now to be with her before she passes and to be with Grandpa. I love them both a lot and really want to be with them. Logically of course I can't, because I am in school and am now officially a poor college student. Mother is going out, but I don't see really why she should. I don't know that she really has that great of a love of her father. I mean for goodness sake she and the rest of her siblings except Uncle Steve sided against him in the divorce trial! I'm sure she thinks he's awful and had an affair with Grandma Mary, although Grandpa told me otherwise. I feel like I wouldn't be able to go even if I had the ability, just because mother will be there. Like she really cares...Maybe I am being a bit harsh, but its how I'm feeling right now. I have such respect and love for Grandma Mary. She had such a hard life, she raised her children on her own and had her husbands die on her. I hate to know that Grandpa will have to bury Grandma Mary. I fear he won't do well after she is gone, that she gave him such purpose in life and made him feel fulfilled. He took such good care of her, they were so sweet together. I will really miss Grandma Mary when she leaves...

Totally Freaked Out!!!

So, I start school on Monday. Reality is setting in, and I'm beginning to freak out. Logically speaking, I know that I'll do ok. But this is the first time I've been in a class in years. I'm so nervous. Thank goodness my books just arrived, its a crazy heavy box, but the UPS guy had fun tossing it around on my porch -.- So I'm also dealing with computer issues and stupid tech people don't want to tell you that it is a hardware problem. I tell them that when I have my computer at a 45 degree angle, it just turns off. My model apparently has problems with that, it makes the heat sensor go nuts or something. All they told me was that I needed to go back to factory specs or something. At any rate, they said to wipe my computer clean and start over again. That doesn't seem like it would go with what my problem is...Any suggestions anyone?

One Dream Down, Many More to Go...

It isn't as dismal as the title sounds. I've actually fulfilled one of my dreams. I have always wanted to have a corset. I FINALLY HAVE ONE!!!! I plan to wear it most of the time. It feels wonderful. It somehow supports my lower back, making it so it doesn't hurt like it usually does. It also forces me to sit and stand properly. It is AWESOME!!! I thought I was getting a blue one, but it came as purple...silly ebay. I still like it though. I don't plan to make it to Scarlett's amazing waist width of 18 inches, but it does shape me a bit. It really is mostly just for fun, but its being very useful for me too :-D I finally figured a way to make it work too since it um flattens some areas I didn't want flattened particularly, but I've fixed it!!!!! I had to be laced up, so that was fun too, definitely an experience. I felt like Scarlett telling Mammie to make it tighter. Modern day corsets have hooks and eyes up the front so I don't have to be laced up every day. I'm wondering if its ok to sleep in, cuz I really like how it feels and don't want to take it off. I have now to get myself a real Civil War dress and then I'll be good :-D I have another blog that I have been working on. It hasn't exactly been the most fun blog I've ever written. Its about my trip to Ohio. Its been good to at least be able to put my feelings down somewhere. I really miss it down there, and I miss being around Steph and her family...my family too. I felt so at home there, and really part of their family. Even Steph's Grandpa was like family. At one point, I just reached over and gave him a hug and didn't really even think about it until I'd already done it, but I just felt like family. I got to drive home with their Uncle Mick and Aunt Shawn and had a good time, I've officially adopted them as my Aunt and Uncle...and their two dogs as my cousins obviously...Matt I don't know if you're reading this, but if you are, I miss you little brother.