Life as it be.

I realized in my groggy state that I haven't posted anything in awhile. So here we go. I finally moved into my end location of Tim's mom's old townhouse. So much stress involved. But its over now and I'm getting settled in. My friend Charlotte and her three cats and one guinea pig have also moved in. We're still trying to get everything put away and all that fun stuff. And yes that also means we have 7 animals in one house. Not as bad as it sounds. Her cats mostly stay downstairs and mine stay upstairs unless they feel brave. I have decided I have the most skittish cats ever. Jane has after over a month decided to finally go outside my room to the top of the steps right outside.... Austen is my hero and has ventured out several times, but he freaks out and runs (very floppily since he's kinda chubby...) Back upstairs if anyone moves. Poor thing. I also have discovered the danger of PetSmart. They have adoption things there. Two weeks ago I went to get some stuff for my cats and for Charlotte's and turned the wrong corner and came face to face with.....kittens. I decided to hold one.....and left having filled out an application to adopt her. Turns out we weren't meant to be together since I met another kitten when I went to do a home visit with the foster mom. I then stalked the adoption site of another pet smart last saturday and held the other kitten I met for over three hours straight! He's really a sweetie and I get to take him home probably tomorrow! His adoption name is Louie but I shall call him Gurgi. He's kinda funny looking. He's got a funny face and a long skinny tail. Which goes with his crazy long scrawny legs and huge feet. His fur isn't really soft kind of coarse and extremely short. I decided the kitten I originally planned to adopt would probably get adopted faster since there had already been one person interested in her. Louie aka Gurgi usually would hide when it was time to go to the adoption events. And he's just not typical kitty cuteness. But I love him.
In other news we had an earthquake this morning. I woke up at about 5am and thought the house was shaking. But I had just been woken up so I told myself I was just imagining it and it was just thunder. I heard an aftershock a bit later. But just convinced myself it was thunder because of course, we don't get earthquakes here.... So I wake up to a text message alert saying there had been an earthquake around 5am.... I was so glad I wasn't crazy :) I had looked out the window and just assumed we were getting a storm that hadn't hit yet. Ah good times. A 3.6 it was near Gaithersburg. No damage and no injuries so I hear. I keep surprising people with the news....
On to much less fun news! For the past several months I've had insane fatigue. I'm not quite sure what is causing it at all.. I've been to the hospital twice and they ruled out tons of things which is really frustrating. I personally think its mono. I was told by a dr in the er that you can absolutely get it again but that it is really hard to detect on a test. I've nearly collapsed so many times and I ended up actually collapsing at work last Tuesday. I couldn't get up off the floor. I stayed on the floor for over an hour until my boss, who happened to be in the area for once, came and took me to the hospital. They diagnosed me near syncope (near unconsiousness...) But they couldn't find anything wrong with me. They gave me fluids. It perked me up a little and I went home. A few hours later I was overcome with exhaustion again. So I went back to the hospital with a what in the world is wrong plea. More tests ruling out more things. More fluids. Sent home. I was told to take two days off to rest. Except the first of those two days I spent over two hours of it doing work. Not good. I was also given assignments to do around the house like cleaning up my partially unpacked room... So I got no rest on my days off, just more stress. I'm so completely exhausted but because I don't "look" sick everyone thinks I'm better. I'm really not sure what to do anymore but I have no energy at all. :( I go to work and push myself so far past what I should. I don't feel like I should even be working some days. I'm so unproductive and non-functional.
*sigh*

Updates and other Happy News

So first order of business is my promotion at work!!! YAY! They're getting rid of the worthless office worker and replacing her with me! Basically they're going to phase me out of the dog walking part and have me in the office mainly. I'm starting my training today which is awesome! I get $10/hr while I'm training and then after that it sounds like I jump up to $12/hr! :-) so many reasons to enjoy this! I won't have to be driving all around as much. Therefore not as much money wasted on gas. I may still do some visits which is ok cuz its more money. And I really like the other people in the office and they like me! My friend Charlotte is the one behind this. She basically made sure I got the gig which is awesome of her :-) this brings me to my next bit of news!
Shirley finally bought a house! So beginning of may I move in to her old townhouse! I get it all to myself until the beginning of july when Charlotte moves in with me! Grand total of 7 animals. 5 cats 1 hamster and 1 guinea pig... Should be fun. We have everything worked out where things are going and how were going to divide things like communal stuff. Basically until the wedding (which has yet to even start planning...grr) Charlotte is going to be living with me. I'm so excited. So far life seems to be looking up!

Why?

So I'm fairly miserable today. Part of this is because I'm off my meds. I hav been for quite awhile and its awful. I'm sick of not feeling ok. I haven't been able to pay my rent myself for months. This great job I have hasn't been panning out well for me. I'm trying to find a new one. I want a salary so I won't be screwed over when things come up like being out of work for a whole week because of weather. I need to be able to pay my way in life but I haven't been able to at all. I've been driving over 100 miles a day with visits spread like 20 minutes at least apart. It isn't working out. I have to fill up my tank every other day. Its horrible. My last paycheck of $600 went this way. I took out like $240 for a car payment then I had to pay around $130 for past due amounts for my cell bill. Then there was like $50 I can't get refunded because neutrogena sucks and doesn't listen to me that I don't want their skincare regimen. The rest went to filling up my tank and paying for parking at a place I go. I bought fast food MAYBE twice. By yesterday when I got paid I just broke even. And by even I mean nothing in my account.I'd spent the last of the money on the stupid parking. So I got paid yesterday and I got about $480. Yay. I can spend that towards my rent, right? Wrong. Let's see how that plays out shall we? $330 went to more past due cell bill that I had to pay or I couldn't reconnect my cell phone. Then let's see, I also had to account for the almost 35 that hadn't been taken out yet for gas. So I can spend a bit of that on my rent, right? Nooooo because I need $20 for parking at least. More if they decide to turn that visit into a 30 minute one. Then I need enough money to account for having to fill up my stupid tank every other day. And no that is NOT an exagerration. Sadly. So I'm using all the money tim has and some of Shirley's. Nothing says hey you can trust me to rent your townhouse like borrowing money to pay for rent, right? The last thing she needs is another person that she has to support. I'm sick of being a burden on everyone. If I had the guts I'd kill myself, but I don't have the emotional ability to do that. That's sucky to realize that you feel that people would be better off without you around, but its how I feel. Pretty much completely despondent. I know I'm just really depressed. I need to get back on my meds. I need to find a new job. I want a government job. I want a salary and benefits. But the other crappy thing in my life is that I want to go to school. I can't. Even if dad paid for my books and tuition I can't afford to go to school. I still have bills and my rent to worry about that even if I had loans I wouldn't be able to make enough to survive. I just can't do anything I want. And that includes just making rent. Oh and paying people who want to sue me because I haven't paid my credit card bills. I can't afford to do that since rent and cell bills come first. I can't make those bills. I keep getting my cell turned off. They do it more constantly now. I keep telling them to just pay everything, but they won't do it! Its so obnoxious. I want it all to go away. I'm supposed to be moving into Shirley's townhouse. That's supposed to be great, but really how can I when I can't afford a rent that's $200 less? I've been looking for another job, but I haven't heard from anyone. At the point where you spend all your money basically on your job, the job isn't worth it at all. It sucks like crazy. I need to make this work, but I can't. But the jobs I've applied for are government and they take forever to get. I've applied to others but they don't seem to like that I won't work sundays. Seriously people? I give you EVERY other day of the week! What the hell do you people want from me? I really want to scream religious discrimination. But I'm not thinking that would work. I'm not sure what to do. I've cut back on everything. I'm really bummed that I can't even buy anything I just want.I used to spend too much. I'm the first to admit that, but really spending all my money on gas and parking? Not ok. I need a new place to work.

Anger and Frustration.

Soooo to put it mildly, this "bidding" on Grandma's things has gone just as badly as I thought it would. So much for optimism, my friends. I went against my better judgment and decided to be a part of this fiasco. I should have known better. I haven't had any adverse interaction with any of you guys, which is in line with what I expected. I just don't know what the point of my saying anything more is. I voice my opinion, but Peggy decides her own thing. I don't have children born or soon to be born for whom to claim things in proxy. I've had a couple bad days of this...ok since I started doing it. The night I decided to start looking through things, I started to bawl like a little girl. I finally ended up calling Tim so he could help me look, since I wasn't doing well on my own. Things went better. Then the next day magically things I really wanted were claimed as 10s and I knew I would never get them because I'm not important enough. I don't have a problem with people saying they might want things for their kids. Yes Bonnie Jean, I really like that green deer, but you can have it for your kid since that's what Peggy wants anyways. I would have said so myself that it was ok with me. I'm not out to grab everything away from everyone. I would just like to have some things for myself. Is this so much to ask that I get things I really want as long as I'm considerate to other people's feelings? I don't think so. But maybe I'm asking too much? I don't know why we can't settle these things amongst ourselves without interference? As long as there is no throat cutting or maiming, I'm good. I don't plan to be difficult and I know I'm the one people will be most concerned about. I am a little child after all. Which is obviously why we need a referee in the first place. Mean old Bri Bri might just haul off and start yelling at people! Because that's obviously just what I do. Never mind the fact that the last time that I yelled at either parent was before the family reunion because I wasn't going to be "allowed" to be at the super exclusive Hanton family events. I can pick and choose my battles now. Not everything is so urgent. It seems peggy will be dividing things up now. I don't anticipate actually getting the things I want. I've already given up things I wanted very much because I didn't feel like making a big deal. I'm very interested to see how things turn out from a masochistic view. This whole situation has been horrible. This morning I punched my bed so much I hurt my arm. I'm furious every time that I receive a notification that there is another comment. Almost every time it has been something to make me even more upset. I'm so done with this whole thing. peggy has done exactly what I expected her to do. Not in her favour at all. I am very tempted to call her up and yell and scream at her. I would love to. My stress levels would go back down, I think. But I know this wouldn't help me any. I wish I had the guts to beat her. But instead, I am backing down. I am NOT standing up for myself. I am letting her win because I have no choice. This isn't her family. She doesn't like them and they don't like her. I don't care if they are her in-laws. Martin will be my father-in-law, but I still don't like him, nor do I want anything to do with him. In-laws do not make a family. Perhaps I should assert myself, Charlotte keeps telling me that I should. What good would it do for me? It would merely reinforce the opinion that I try very hard and in vain to fight. I am not a child. I do not act like one. If I did then I would have told people off in the bidding. I didn't. I told Bethany, even after she decided that things I really wanted were her 10s that she could have them, even though I wanted them badly. It doesn't matter and this is what I have learned over and over again in my life. I do not matter. What I think and feel do not matter to the woman who, unfortunately for me, birthed me. I'm not angry at anyone who is likely to read this post...unless I'm being stalked in which case screw you. This is why I don't have contact with people. Why should I have contact with people that only want to control? I don't appreciate that. I'm done. I'm out. I don't matter. This is bullshit all of it.

News and Such...

So let's start off with something happy, shall we? The long-awaited time is upon us!!! Namely, Tim has finally decided on a date for our nuptials! Soooooo Set aside August 13, 2011 and start figuring out how to mosey your way down to Arizona for it!! I don't know where in AZ it will be yet, though I'm partial to Prescott...cuz I'm a dork. There is a place there called Van Gogh's Ear that would thrill me to death out of hilarity...but its an art gallery so I'm not seeing it happening there... Sooooo YAY!!!

So Boo Boo is coming up in May so that we can start the whole planning process, especially the whole dress thing :-D I already have some of the general planning things in my mind, but nothing is down on paper yet, except the start of a guest list. My friend Charlotte is all excited about helping to plan the wedding since I'm going to have two maids of honour. Boo Boo has been my sister for so long now and Charlotte is quite oddly enough my other sister. I have two twins! Its so funny because Charlotte is almost 27 (happy bday to her tomorrow!!) So in the whole planning thing, I called Dad and asked if he would give me away. He said, Oh wow! I have a question. Will mom be invited? I felt my heart break a little inside. I wanted to yell and tell him this isn't about HER!!! The whole event is about the fact that I found a guy who for once treats me well and doesn't use me and that I love and loves me back. Its about promising to love each other forever and all that mushy stuff.....not about the woman who abused me and constantly made me feel worthless. But no, instead of saying or doing any of that, I explained that I thought it would be fair to have her there, not as part of the party, but a guest only if they were paying. I explained that it would be my way of giving back to dad mainly IF they paid. I said that if they weren't then I would have no reason to put myself through the hell that it will be for me to have her even near me and in that case she would not be invited. I think its a very fair compromise. In fact I would be giving up more than they would be in that situation. I would be giving up my peace of mind and comfort...They only have to part with money lol. Dad said that if she weren't invited he may not come to my wedding and thus certainly not give me away, since he would be home consoling his wife. Now maybe I sound a bit well evil...but she certainly didn't need consoling every night that she beat me and told me how I was stupid, dumb and pretty much all around worthless....sooo what changed? did they up her dose of prozac and it suddenly made her feel something? ok that was mean of me, but I'm mad and hurt. Sue me. Basically, what I'm feeling is that this event is NOT about her and how SHE feels. I wasn't dangling the whole I'll let her come IF you pay up as a way to get them to pay. I think its fair that they do, since they paid for Bethany's wedding which was a lot more to-do than I want for mine... and it would be great since otherwise it will be a very tiny ceremony and that's about it...I prolly wouldn't be able to even get a nice princess dress... Neither Tim nor I are exactly rolling in the dough... So I'm crossing my fingers that Dad decides that this is a fair compromise on my part. Its brought up a lot of negative memories on my part. I hate that. I feel like if all that was important to her is just to be able to witness the event, then it shouldn't be an issue. If she wants to have an active part in the whole thing then it would show her true purpose...which wouldn't be just to witness her last child (and obviously favourite...cuz she's proven that lol) get married then it isn't a big deal that she isn't a part of it in an active way at all.

One of my biggest concerns is how she'll behave. Besides the obvious fear that she will get completely smashed on all the booze that will be pouring around (note the sarcasm) I dread having her go around to EVERYONE on Tim's side like she did at Andy's wedding. That's so awkward to me. I mean I know Tim's family but I don't feel like she needs to get to know them...though having a wedding where no one talks to the other side feels weird.....but must it be her?? she would have a blast with Tim's aunt and uncle because they would get along politically so very well :-D....(blech) I'm annoyed about the fact that she will schmooze it up with Charlotte. Charlotte's ears are all pierced and her tongue is pierced and she has a tongue ring and for the moment, purple hair. She's awesome in my mind and i love her ink and piercings esp since well it's going to come out eventually....I have 7 piercings now. Not like I could hide that once the wedding comes around since most of them are in my ears. I have my lobes pierced which isn't news. I also have my cartilage in both ears pierced once and both my tragi (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tragus_piercing) are done. Charlotte and I got those done together a few weeks ago. I also have my navel pierced. That was about three years ago. Boo Boo and I got those done together. I said that I watched hers....but I didn't she watched mine then the piercer made me leave lol.... I don't really flaunt it about, so its not like everyone knows. Bethany saw it by accident and was surprisingly not evil about it. She said something like oh didn't that hurt? and whether it got caught on my belt. (the answer is not really the piercing part, more the healing when it got tugged because yes it would get caught in my belt) All of my piercings are healing well, thanks for asking :-P Dad knows about them all and well isn't very impressed and is probably pretty disappointed. I suppose I would rather have that then not to get something that I want because I'm afraid to have people see. I am the person that I am. I don't want to hide it anymore. I like tattoos and I like piercings. Actually, for all I know Bethany could have mentioned my belly ring, so at least that wouldn't be a surprise...oh well. OH my point was that she's one of my two best friends (which is strange since I've known her for MAYBE 6 months...) and I know that mom will judge her and I mostly don't want her to have to deal with that crap. She knows about it, so that won't be a thing. But still....

Its like ten here, so I should stop my ranting, I suppose. Wish me luck and I really want all.....two of the people that will read this to be there!! and you know you could bring your spouses if you reeeeaaaallllly want.... :-D

Andy this would be a wonderful time for you to reunite with Brian Haun....I KNOW he would be soooo excited to see the guy who pulled so many pranks on him in high school!!! (he actually doesn't remember you or the pranks at all....prolly had too many to remember...) and Justin! you can have fun discussing Aspergers with Shirley! (that's Tim's mom) I'm sure it will be quite obvious to you that that is what dear Brian has....Life will be fun...

On a happy note, I will leave you guys with a shot of my cats! Jane is the orange one and Austen is the gray one...I loves them!!!




Oh...I also have very little hair on my head...

moving...

Yes my friends I am once again moving! It is all the fault of my babies. Yes Andy, I let the kitty cuteness blind me! Such is life... Last week I did an overnight for a very sadistic dog. I spent nearly a week with the beast. During this time, dear Tim was to watch my little ones. The problem was he didn't tend to their box quite as he should have. So when I get back it reeks. So I clean things up all hunky dory yay. Next day I find a note from my landlord informing me that things have stunk for the past week. I write him a note back telling him what had happened and that I had taken care of things so life would be back to normal then he writes a note back basically with a too bad they must go. So knowing there was no way I could give up my sweethearts, I started looking for places. Luckily, since I was given a week to find a place for the kitties, I found a place the same day, went to see it and agreed to rent. The down-side to this whole thing is that it is now a whopping 700 a month I must pay instead of 5. Of course it is a master bedroom and they let me have my kitties and its a lot bigger..........but STILL!!!!! Oh well. Life goes on. So by the end of this month I'm going to be in my new place.

On a less important note, I got my eyebrows waxed. Kinda fun actually and it didn't hurt as badly as I thought it would.

I'm going to pack now...

updates on life.

So I realize it has been quite awhile since I posted and updated on my life. I suppose it would be fair to say there have been quite a few things that have changed. I'm sure anyone reading this already knows I'm engaged, so that isn't really new or surprising is it? At the moment I'm snuggled up in my ex-coworker's bed surrounded by three very adorable kitties. I'm kitty watching while she's out of town for like a day and a half. Its been fun and very strange. One kitty known as just plain Q slept on top of me most of the night. I thought Charlotte was kidding about that... I've also learned to make sure Q isn't hiding in the bathroom as I go to use it or else I have the strange experience of her hopping up and sitting on my lap...very strange.
So I guess for starters I should mention I finally have a job. Its been a month and a half maybe? I work at a place called A Cat Clinic. The name pretty much says it all. Its a vet office that only has cats as patients. I've always said I wasn't a cat person, but I'm actually considering getting two kitties from the clinic. Basically their mommy had another cat and it terrorized the brother and sister. She seemed to originally want to give up the evil kitty but our dr said that she would have to put that one down since she couldn't feel good about giving it to another family. So instead she gave up the brother and sister the girl of which was apparently her "baby." This story resonated with me a bit since I tend to feel the unwanted member of the family...gee I wonder why... And the two cats are really so sweet and loving. They seem to like me too. The rub their cheeks all over my face which is a new experience for me, but I know its how they show they're comfortable with me...and marking me for theirs. I'm having to ask my landlord about them, which terrifies me. I barely had the nerve to ask him for my hamster ages ago. (Q is now standing with her face in mine on my chest.) I'm not afraid of my landlord, I'm just afraid he'll say no. I have it all worked out though. I would cover the floor with those plastic chair mats so that his floor wouldn't get wrecked. I'd have air freshener and such so the room wouldn't get stinky. And most of the furniture is mine in there and I'd pay some extra each month toward a pet deposit if he wanted me to! The jist of this is that I REALLY want these kitties. I want to take them in and make them happy and safe. Either way I hate where I work. Everything would be fine except for the office manager and her evil minion the head technician. They're petty mean-spirited and I just don't like them! They also don't like me. I remind them of charlotte who is my new friend. She's totally awesome! But they made life miserable and so she quit two weeks ago which made work infinitely more sad. She's working for a company that house sits watches animals walks doggies and the like which is what I'm going to be doing soon if I have my way. This brings me to my other bit of news. I have a car!!! Well actually tim and I have a car. The car is in his name but I'm mostly financing. He has better credit so it works. Its a little kia spectra, silver which isn't as cool of a colour as I would like, buts its a good car. Now how will I make use of this car you ask?? By getting my license of course! I'm going on the 13th to take my test. I feel pretty good about it I must say. I can parallel park in under a minute. 47 seconds to be exact. I'm rather excited. Charlottes going to be taking me in my car. Oh and no I haven't named the car. I simply call it my baby. As soon as I get my license, I can leave my job and go walk doggies!!! It apparently pays better and the hours are quite flexible and the best part? No uniform!! I can wear whatever I want!!! I'm quite excited. Charlotte goes barefoot! The two of us have decided that we must be twins, which makes triplets since that's how Boo Boo is. Of course Boo Boo will always be my sister, but its nice to feel like I have two best friends...one that's even what's that? Oh yeah! Close by to me!!! Gee there's a thunk! I miss Boo Boo a lot still though... I think Charlotte would like her. I've asked them both to be my maids of honour. I think it would be fitting.

At any rate, that's about all there is going on in my life now...oh yeah I like to watch kitty surgery. Surprised everyone? And I can eat my lunch after watching :-) tally ho my friends!