My Holiday Plans...

So I'm feeling really down in the dumps right now. My best friend, Boo Boo, or to the rest of you, Stephanie Mach, texted me last night to tell me that her dad died. He was fairly young, and the last time I saw him, full of life. He was pretty unique, but also pretty awesome. I liked him ever since I met him around 10 years ago. He always liked me too. The last time I saw him, he was very insistent that I was part of their family. I really felt that way too. He had a heart attack and died pretty much instantly. Boo Boo's younger brother was the one who found him. I still can't believe that he's gone. I'm going to be leaving Christmas evening to catch a flight down there. Boo Boo is the sister that I feel I never had. She and I are best friends, I'm closer to her than any other female. I had such a hard time when she told me. I just wanted to run and hold her and be with her and help her. I hated the distance that we're at. I wish I could have just had it like the old days where she was only a fifteen minute car trip away. Her mom is pretty much broken down with grief it sounds like. This was completely unexpected. I still am having a hard time accepting this is true. This was a guy that to me seemed like a big teddy bear. I had no idea, unlike Boo Boo's other friends, that he could be the least bit frightening. He was telling me stuff that he'd done to intimidate her other friends, and I looked at him like a foreign person. It had never entered my head that he could intimidate. I guess I should have assumed. I mean he was a big guy with a big bushy gray beard. He loved guns. He was a gun fanatic. I just never got it that he could be intimidating. So I looked at him and said how weird that was, since he never had seemed like that to me. He told me that he did that intentionally. He had no reason to try to scare me off. He said he had watched me with Boo Boo and was not concerned about me. He saw that we were good together. He knew that I wasn't in it to take advantage of Steph, like her other "friends." He told me how I was part of the family. I felt so wonderful hearing that. I wish that I had been able to come back during the summer like he wanted me to and go shooting with him. He was going to let me shoot his gorgeous sniper rifle, Martyr Maker. I wish I had been able to. Looking back it seems kinda odd to me some of the things that he said. He told me that when he died he wanted me to have one of his guns. It seemed just such a random out of the blue thing to say. It makes me almost wonder if he sort of knew that he would be going soon. I just don't know. I'm so glad I'll be able to be with them for this. I know Boo Boo is going to need me. I'm going to need her too. I haven't been this upset over a death in quite awhile. I'm hoping I'll be able to see whichever of you I can this Christmas. I feel kinda bad ditching on Christmas, but I know that I need to go to West Virginia.

This has sooo not been my Winter...

Yeah so I'm posting lying down in my bed, fairly well confined by general weakness and fever. I have the flu. Hopefully this is the 24 hour flu that everyone I know had. I have absolutely no desire to feel like this for longer than one day. I'm puking and diarrhea-ridden. The whole upstairs smells like a lovely combo of the two. I'm just happy that my landlord is out of town, so he won't smell it. I feel like everything in my room is covered with one substance or another. I can't keep even the gatorade that I've been drinking, hoping to keep from feeling so dehydrated...it isn't working. You see they don't mention that it only works when it actually stays down -.- It feels like everywhere from my shoulders down is all achey and I can't get warm. So I can add this to the wonderful list of things that have gone wrong this Winter. First with a bunch of work crap and being threatened with fireation at work. Then Mono kicked in full-swing and I've been out of work for about a month trying to get well. Sadly I only keep getting sick! I had a wonderful sinus infection and some sort of quasi-flu thing. Now I've got an actual full-blown flu! Life just isn't going well. On the plus side, I am going to get health insurance with World Bank starting January, so that's good :-D Now I've updated, so I'm going to try to sleep...let's hope my body will tell me when I have to go to the bathroom this time...

So, I have an announcement!!!

I'M GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!!!

That's right, everybody, I'm going to be edumacated again! I'm going to be going to MC, which is not my first choice of school, I really want to go to the University of Maryland. It actually is going to work out better, since Tim's taking a semester off of school and after that would be actually probably taking some courses at MC and living at home. It would probably be the best for both of us. I'm pretty excited, personally! I'm going to be taking Biology, Algebra, English and Psychology. It's pretty exciting. I'm frustrated with the financing stuff, because I need a co-signer for any private loan, but to get a Federal loan, I need to fill out the FAFSA. The problem with that is that I'm still considered a dependant on dad. I can't ever get them to help with the fill-out process. I need their financial records to fill out the stinkin form! I am also reluctant to tell them that I would be applying for a loan to cover my other expenses besides school, because I don't want them to know that. I'm worried that they would then withdraw the nice agreement of we'll pay everything except room and board. grr Plus I have to go to a stupid meeting about loans and stuff at MC. It just isn't fun to go to these things. I'm out of ideas. I can't get anyone to co-sign. Dad said he wouldn't do that, because he doesn't want the debt attatched to him, Shirley can't because she wants to get a house, and it doesn't look good for her to have it. Renee said that it wouldn't do any good for her to co-sign it, because they wouldn't like her because she has too much debt from student loans and credit cards and such. I hate feeling like I'm in a no-win situation...Ideas anyone?

Infectious Mononucleosis

Yeah, so here I am blogging again!!! That's twice in a 30 day period, aren't you so proud of me?? It's been a bit of a rough two weeks or so. Last Friday, I had an awful experience with my Mono. I was with Tim in Panera Bread, waiting for his mom to come pick us back up again, but I was pretty much face-down on the table. I couldn't move. Tim didn't understand what was happening, he just thought I was having a hard time getting moving after waking up, which I hadn't done, since I hadn't gone to sleep. Somehow I managed to drag myself out to the car and then just plopped. We got outside my house to have me change for work, but I kept telling them I couldn't go. I tried to explain that I couldn't move, but they didn't understand. Shirley, Tim's mom, started to lecture me about how ridiculous I was being and that acting like a little girl and just saying I can't go to work is just not helping. I started bawling my eyes out trying to explain that I just couldn't move. They still just didn't understand, and proceded to call Renee to get her to come get me to go. So Renee shows up and feels my forehead and says I'm burning up. I was hysterical saying how they wouldn't believe me and that they thought I was making it up. I just couldn't stop crying. Tim and Shirley were explaining that they didn't understand what was happening. They decided to take me back to Renee's house so I could get some help and lie down. By the time we got there, Vick and Bethel Willingham were there, because Renee was supposed to be watching Sophie for the evening while they went to the Caps game. Vick came out as Tim was trying to lift me out of the car. He had a really bad hold on me, so Vick ended up picking me up and putting me in Renee and Brian's bed. I still hadn't stopped crying the whole time. I eventually calmed down, and Vick ran out to the store, and bought me gatorade, which they gave me in a sippy cup. My temperature ended up being normal, but they bundled me in a down comfyter. Long story short, I haven't been to work in over 2 weeks. I got a doctor note on wednesday, saying that I have an infectious disease that causes extreme fatigue. It gets me out of work until at least wednesday, at which point I'm supposed to go in for a follow-up visit. We'll see what they determine. I'm not thinking that I'm going to be feeling any better by Wednesday. I can't ask Dad for more money, he said that loaning me money for my December rent (which must be repaid...with interest) was the last time they'd help; I would have to find "other options" I'd already borrowed money from Shirley and Renee. I'm guessing he wants me to become a hooker, stripper or as Renee thought up, I could work at Hooters!! Yes I think that would be a wonderful "other option" I mean my mother already thinks I'm a whore, I suppose it wouldn't make much difference, would it? So now I'm going to go to the Bishop to ask for help, something I really really don't want to do. I hate having to admit that I can't always make it on my own. So I guess that's my update for now. I just hope I don't get mono at least four times like Lindsey has...

Thanksgiving, Random thoughts of mine...etc

Soooo, Justin brought it to my attention that I've been remiss in my blogging. I apologize profusely to...the two of you :-) I've been doing some thinking lately, and I feel I need to get it out somewhere, and this may as well do, so I guess you guys will just have to hear it.

The first thing I'm thinking about is I just found out that Gary is engaged. I was fairly surprised to hear it, since he just got back from his mission less than a month ago. I'm not really surprised at all, but its a weird thing for me. I mean this was the guy I thought (naively but give me a break, I was young.) I allowed myself to believe that, partly from urgings from my mother that she thought I would marry him. This combined with Gary's promises of marriage. I wish none of it had ever happened, since it put me through a lot of heartache later on after he dumped my heart on the ground. Since then I had the chance to meet a wonderful man that treats me the way that Gary should have. Tim would never hurt me. He was amazing enough to stop that hurting in my heart and heal it. I feel vindicated, since I was able to look at Gary, and say no I won't go back to you. That for me was very empowering, I was able to face the option of "could have been" and I was able to realize that I had made the better, though more controversial, decision. I also feel as if, after I rejected Gary, he ran for the nearest female, turning to someone that I assume was in his mission, since she's from that area... I have very mixed feelings about this. To me, if you go on a mission, you should be focused on the work that you are doing, and for goodness sakes follow the mission rules you agreed to!!! He certainly didn't follow those rules, and that just bothers me.

At any rate, enough of those thoughts :-D I've been thinking about how far I've come in my life. Things at the moment with my job are not so good to say the least. I'm facing a lot of people who want me fired. I'm not really comfortable there at all. I'm at the point where I'm thinking I might like to do things that are more officey. I'm tired of having to be on my feet all the time. With my lovely infectious mononeucleosis that I'm so lucky to have been dealing with for the past 2 months, its just not any fun. I mean I feel like I just need to do a little bit more than I am doing now. I mean I just am renting a room, and I'm strapped for cash all the time. I want something with good benefits and a lot more income...I mean my store manager and the pharmacy district superviser want me fired for no really good reason. The Store manager, I just can't figure out what his deal with me is. He's only really saying that I've changed, and he's telling me to watch my back. It certainly seems that he's just waiting for an excuse to fire me. The District pharmacy superviser has it out for me, because the last pharmacist we had, was fairly incompetant, which I have a fairly low tolerance for. She was at best, the embodiment of what people mock blondes for. We just didn't get along since, oh I don't know, I actually wanted WORK DONE!!! I still have a lot of anger about that. Unfortunately, Laura (bad pharmacist) was really buddy buddy with Stephanie (Superviser) and so now Stephanie hates me because of that whole thing. It also doesn't help that Stephanie hates Mina, who is my favourite pharmacist. She wants to get Mina to quit, and she knows Mina and I are close, so she's hoping to acheive both goals by firing me, which would get rid of me and make it more likely that Mina would want to quit. Its just really stressful at the moment. I dread going to work, partly because I haven't actually regained any of my strength from Mono at all. I mean I feel as if its still active sometimes. The fever that came with it still hasn't left. I still get them every day or so.

BAH!!! This was not what I intended my post to be! I should never post when I'm tired!!! I guess since its in my title, I should talk about my Thanksgiving. I started off pretty awesome by going over to my friend/adopted sister Renee's house. I chilled out there and wore myself out by playing with her adorable baby boy Gaelen. He's an amazing little guy. It's weird because besides the whole birth and labour thing, I feel like he's mine. All of her kids kinda feel like my adopted kids, but I settle for nieces and nephews. Gaelen is the one that has my heart all wrapped around his little finger though...Of course he returned all that love by spitting up ALMOST in my face. Of course I was holding him above me, so I was kinda asking for it... I played Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: Ring of Fates, which seems really cute, and pining over The Last Remnant, which just looks gorgeous!!! Then around 2:30, Tim and his mom came to pick me up, and I had an awesome dinner, complete with Oyster Stuffing (yes I ate it and LOVED IT!!! surprised?) It was an amaazing time. I love his mom and being at her house for the holidays. I feel part of the family, and I noticed that her mother, who came up for a week or so, has gotten more comfortable around me, to the point where she was teasing me about my palate. I was having a blast. Of course then we had to go to Shirley's (Tim's mom) friend Debra's house for their dinner, which wasn't the most fun, since I'm not a big Joiner. Tim and I sat by ourselves for a lot of it and just talked, which was fun too. Then we went to Tims Dad, Martin's house, which sucked. We sat there while Martin and Grandma Kelly watched Click, which I just thought was stupid. Tim and I played a computer game and got jabbed at when we left, with a "Thanks for the 30 minutes" from his dad. We'd been there almost 2 hours!!!! cuz he was totally paying attention -.- At any rate, it was all in all a pretty good Turkey Day. I am grateful for a lot of things this year. Most of all, of course, I'm glad I have Tim, who has saved me and my heart forever, and that I'm glad to be planning to spend forever with. I'm also glad to have some siblings that seem to have an interest in maintaining some connection with me. I really am grateful for that. I'm grateful to have gained some sense of self-respect. I'm learning to deal with the crap that my mother has put my psyche through and to accept certain basic things about myself. I can now look in the mirror and tell myself that I look beautiful. I love knowing that. I know that I am beautiful on the inside also, which is important to me. I've been able to understand a lot about my past self. There were many things that I never could make sense of, and now for once I can begin to understand myself. I'm grateful that I have adopted a family, that I feel accepted completely by. They know me, and my secrets, and they just love me. Its amazing. I've gained an older brother and a little brother. I've gained 2 nieces and 2 nephews to my biological ones that I have very little relation with. I've been learning to drive, which has heightened my sense of self-worth. I feel that I really AM responsible. A woman who barely lets her husband drive with her children in the car because she's so afraid of them crashing, lets me drive with them all in the van. She's even agreed that I'm almost key-worthy, meaning that she's almost ready to give me a key to the van. My life is generally going the direction I want it to be, and I'm so grateful that I've been able to overcome my childhood as a confident, mature woman. I'm ready to take on the rest of life, bring what may. I won't be held back anymore, I will take control and nothing is going to stop me from going where I want in life.

Getting Started

So, this is my first blog that I've written in a very long time, so I'm a bit out of practice I suppose. I was thinking of what to write, since I'm so out of practice. Hm news, news, news. I might have mono. For the past two weeks, I've been totally out of it and exhausted. I've never been this tired in my whole life. I've had all the symptoms including some rather troubling pains by my spleen, but so far so good. Of course I've missed three shifts this week because of it, but I'll be ok. I've been sleeping about 13, 14 hours a day and still being exhausted, its been sucky.
The biggest news I suppose is that I got my permit FINALLY!!! I've been driving and even went on 270 with no incident (mostly) so far I haven't crashed or ruined the van, so that would be great if I can keep that record... If I keep this up, I'll have my license before long and now I've become more of a backseat driver, which entertains me. My instructor, ex-neighbour buddy Renee has been teaching me. She's a really nervous passenger, so she tends to remind me of things that I already know which just entertains me. Its been a wonderful experience, just about as good as when Tim's mom started teaching me. It's been so fun since I can actually talk and joke and carry on a conversation already while paying attention clearly to what I'm doing. That does NOT, however, mean that I'm going to be one of those annoying cell phone users, since that idea freaks me out to no end!! I've only been driving about a week and I'm already doing so well, it surprises me :-D I'm a little bummed that Dad hasn't seemed the least bit excited for me at all, I drove over to his house to show him that I was driving and he was just like um yeah? of course then I accidently drove over their lawn...but he didn't see that happen... I mean its a pretty exciting event for me and it just seems like he ought to be a bit more happy for me.

Well I'm working for quite awhile tomorrow, which is not exactly making my day, but I'm exhausted. Wish me luck!!!